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12.43pm...Well the kids are out in the pool and giving me some peace and quiet so to speak. So I have been on the web setting
up some groups for my web sites and to get my counters up just a little bit. I still haven't gotten round to starting the
novel that I want to get out there, I need a creative outlet to get my stuff out there and make my career of writing. So
I am going to get into it and release all this creative tension.
10.25pm...Well I got a small part of my novel done and then I went in the pool for 3 hours and I got severly burnt
like a crisp. Then I came upstairs and started getting dinner ready for the kids. Then tonight I get a call from crisis
care saying that my eldest daughter and her friend needed somewhere to stay, because they were out on the street. So Joel
has been moved into my room and the two girls have Joel's room, we wil see how things go before we decide on how long they
are staying. But I do know one thing they will be paying rent and food and will be going by my rules. I just hope that I
am not making the biggest mistake of my life but I wil see how things work out in the long run. Well I am going to bed in
a second once I am finished here and have one last smoke and then it is off to lalaland. Sleep tight everyone and have a
good night.
29th December 2004
10.34pm...Well I am really strating to have doubts about my decision but there is not a lot I can do about it right now,
until something happens to prove my feelings right or wrong. I am really tired right now. I should be in bed but I have to
wait up for a little while until they get back, we had dinner at the leagues club tonight and we all felt sick from eating
to much food like we usually do when we go down there. I didn't write today because we were just so busy and needed to make
sure there was no problems. Time went by so damn quick and it was 4pm before we got home and then the kids went in the pool
for an hour or so. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and go into a deep and peaceful sleep but that isn't likely to
happen soon. I really need to catch up on my e-mails to suzie and my other mates on the internet groups, since I haven't
had contact with most of them for a few months. So I might start on it while I waiting for the girls to get back. Oh really
hope that I'm not getting inover my head, my eldest daughter says that she is not going out and doing anything wrong that
they are just going to see a friend, and I just have to believe that they are telling the truth. It is just hard to believe
when she hasn't been completely honest with me in the past but really if she isn't being truthful there isn't a hell of a
lot I can do about it without proof either way. I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open at the moment and I feel like crawling
into bed just to get warm and comfortable but I would probably fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.
I just have find something to watch that will keep me awake long enough and I am not sure there really is anything
on but I will have to check it out. I was right there isn't a lot on so I will most likely have to watch something I have
already seen before but it has to be something funny, hey I just found out "Ned and Stacey" is on so that should
be enough to keep me awake for now. What am I saying I am so tired that I am raving on with a little rubbish. Gosh my nose
is running like a tap and there is no tissues left in the entire house cause the kids use them for every little thing they
can think of. Well it's getting so damn late and I am not sure that I can stay up down here for much longer and it is really
getting cold. aybe I should just sign off and go and get warm and maybe I won't be so damn tired if I am not freezing. Well
have a good night and I will write again tomorrow. Blessed Be!
30th December 2004
9.26am...Well the girls didn't come home until about 1.30am, so I wasn't impressed to say the least and I was as tired
as hell, and didn't even get to sleep in cause Joel was awake at his normal time. Today I have to get the kids of their backsides
and get into cleaning the house up cause it is a little messy because the 2 young ones haven't been to vacation care at all
this week. Because Monday was a public holiday and Melissa walked them up yesterday but there was no one there and Caitlin
said that she thought they had an excursion, but forgot to mention that cause they have to be there early for those things
and they didn't get there till about 11am so that was a big fizzle. So we will leave early tomorrow morning so they don't
miss out on a day of fun , but first I need to check out if they are open over the new year period. I am still trying to
wake up cause I really am not a morning person at the very least, so I am having a glass of coke to give me my caffiene hit
to liven up just a little.
It's another week before I get paid and I hate being without money, though we have everything we need, it's just nice
to be able to have money there to buy something if the mood strikes me but oh well you get that. I love watching "Dharma
and Greg" cause it always makes me laugh my head off, they just crack me up. Oh dear I could of slept for hours if Joel
hadn't woken me up, but you get that hey so I will just have to wake up and get into the cleaning and stuff. I hate when
I feel tired and drained like this because I just don't feel like doing anything or really have the energy or motivation to
get into it, but it has to be done. Catch up with you later hey.
9.33pm...well here we are again the day was full of hassle with my daughters stuff and hassles like property stuff.
Well tomorrow is my club day and we have a new singer to break in so it won't be as much fun without the guys singing. But
marge, bev and colin will be there so it really doesn't matter who is singing, we always have fun anyway. I shall be back
soon cause my daughter is hassling me to get her e-mail and get on this school friends catch up site, so I will let her get
it done and get back. Hope you had a great Christmas Suzie catch you all soon.
31st December 2004
3.38pm...Well it's new years eve and it's another night at home and the girls are even staying home as well. Sometimes
I really think i have bitten off more than I can handle with 2 extra teenagers in thye house and they have another coming
over,so we will see how things go.
We had a great day at the club and the new female singer was really good and we are glad we got someone that knows
how to have fun, and is a damn good singer at that.
Can't write very much at the moment cause I don't want certain eyes reading what my thoughts and stuff are, especially
young ones, hey that wouldn't be could. But there isn't a lot going on at the moment other than kids stuff that is. God
melissa has buffy onthe tele and it just drives me nuts seeing these episodes for about the fifth time. Oh well have to get
to the shops soon before it gets too late, and I want the kids in bed early tonight so that I can relax and enjoying seeing
the end of the new year. Be back later on tonight when the end of the year is on it's way quite well.
10.06pm...Well hi all I am sure there is going to be some sort of drama tonight but I am hoping that I am wrong about
it but I won't know till about later. Oh well the night has been boring because melissa is making me watch the teen choice
awards and I can't wait for it to be over so I can watch "School of Rock" cause I need a laugh. The girls are supposed
to be coming down to watch it with me but that is looking unlikely but you get that. But I am going to watch it anyway cause
I am sick of everything right now. I am sick of friends making out that they can do better with my kids than me because they
don't listen to me, but thats because they are someone but me like all kids do on a normal basis that is kids just being kids.
I guess it is just getting to me a bit when certain people are always telling people that because I am a single mum that
they have to help me out. Screw them they are not going to make me feel like shit anymore cause I refuse to let any one else
rule how I feel about me and my life. I am a good person and my life is my life and no one has the right to make me feel
like shit and that is that. I just wish people would think about other peoples feelings before they say the stupid shit that
they say when they try to big note trhemselves and make themselves feel better. I just feel like screaming right now but that
would not accomplish any thing, and I seriously think that I was right that something is going to go down tonight in a big
way and you know what that means trouble for all involved. Hopefully now things are going to settle down and we can watch
the movie and enjoy ourselves. Okay all have a good new years eve and I will catch you next year. BLESED BE !
2nd January 2005
1.21pm...Well so much for the new year being a new life cause it seems to suck just as much as it did last year, still
I am letting people walk all over me and treat me like shit and make me feel about 1cm tall. Maybe trying to make things
right for others is just not working for making me feel better about my life. Who the hell am trying to fool my life real
is worthless and shitty, even my 16 year old daughter is using me and making me feel like shit and she is walking all over
me and I don't think this is all going to work out. Because right now I am thinking about taking the thre kids and moving
to where no-one knows where we are and then I don't have to worry, maybe I should just move over to trayning with Suzie where
things are simplier. You know what Suzie really is my only friend a true friend that is, she never judges me or makes me
feel small and we are alwasy there for each other through the good and the bad times, so maybe that thinking is the right
way of thinking. Maybe I should start doing just what is right for me and stop trying to please everyone else and getting
kicked in the face for it all and mad to feel like a leaser person for it all, or because I don't do things the way they think
they should be done. God it is damn hot today and we cant put the pool up because one of the stoppers is missing and one
of the older girls used the cap for an ash tray which really pissed me off in a big way and it is things like that are really
getting me down and making me feel depressed and totally getting down on myself. Crap I hate this feeling like absolute
shit all the time, I haven't felt like running away for a very long time and the more I am around these negative people the
more intense the feeling is. I can not allow myself to be around these people and getting down and being depressed all the
god damn time and my spiritual progress is really at a stand still and I don't feel good about that at all. I want to be
a better person in all areas of my life and at the moment it is not going the right way for anything. You Know what I did
make the biggest mistake of my life by allow people to stay here because it is part of what is making everything so shitty,
f**k this shit I don't have to deal with this crap and you know what I may just be moving very shortly I am going to send
Suzie a message and ask her to keep a look out for a house for a good price. So I had better get to yahoo and send an e-mail.
10.25pm... Well I went to bingo for half time tonight but we didn't win a red rarzoo but we did come close but close
isn't good enough. Shit what a night
4th January 2005
12:14 PM Well here I am with a lock up journal because I don't want people reading what I want to put on web site, that
is the kids. Well my internet is f**king up on me and I cant get through to any pages at all, so I will just keep trying the
best I can for now but I am getting very pissed off.
8th January 2005
7:51 PM Well I haven't written for a few days because I have been run of my feet, and so much drama and I fell down and
twisted my ankle big time so it has been swollen like a balloon for 2 days and aching like hell. I finally got of my ass
and put up the ad for vendor financing to buy a house and I have a few places to look at and maybe I will have some luck.
But as long as I have an ad up people who are willing to do that will know I am there and can call me I just have to hang
out for a little while. I have bills coming out of my ear and even though I get a big pay I will be broke yet again. I am
about to tear my hair out the kids
9th January 2005
5:15 PM The picture is exactly how I feel at the moment, a bit blur but not in a bad way just a little worn out and tired,
I played monopoly with the kids for 2 hours, then we looked through the things to do book and decided to do some yummy cooking.
We made some chocolate crackles first and then we made pancakes that we decided to have for desert tonight with some cream
and ice-cream. Then Caitlin and Joel sat down to watch "Elf" and I got into cooking dinner, we are having pies
and sausage rolls with mashed potatoes, corn cobs, mixed vege's and broccoli I thought since I was feeling better today that
we would have a nice dinner since we were all home and sit at the table.. It's good to get into stuff and spend some time
with the kids having a bit of fun which we had today and I am feeling better as the day goes by. I need to paste all this
stuff from my journal into my journal web pages because I have been really slack and really haven't written or put anything
in any of my sites, which I need to catch up on tonight.
6:17 PM Well I am full as a goog now and I am not going to eat any desert. i am about to pull my hair out at the roots.
9:51 PM Yes I have just got back after a lot of drama with some little girl who thinks she is hot stuff and laughed
about her family stealing my sons ashes. How sick is this person to do that type of thing I just lost the plot.
13th january 2005
Thursday, 13 January 2005 6:47 PM
Well I am in a weird mood and the phone line wont let me make any phone calls cause there is some message there on it.
Which means that I can not get on to the internet to update my web page journal and the likes. We've had a full on few days,
yesterday I went shopping with Julie and I finally brought a new mobile phone for myself and then did some food shopping and
then came home to drop the groceries off. Then me, Julie, jassy and my three eldest went to Julies place and they had a swim
then we went and got them some underwear and they walked home and I went and got the youngest 2 from vacation care. Then
we went and picked up some KFC for dinner because I was too stuffed to cook then I spent the night in the room with the 2
young ones, watching TV and getting them to sleep. While we were doing that I started to cover the school books for this
new year and it is hard work I tell you, but I like doing the books it helps me to stay focused. Then today I took the youngest
3 up to Julies to watch a DVD and have chip sandwiches for lunch, then they went for a swim in the pool while we sat there
and had a chat and a laugh. Then we came home about 5.30pm and found I hadn't gotten the sausages out of the freezer, so
I got Melissa to go and get some fish and chips for dinner and I did the dishes so we could have something to eat off. I'm
not the only one that is worn out the 2 young ones are laying down and watching a video quietly and look very tired indeed.
I am so confused lately about how I am feeling and what is going on around me, I am glad that my daughter is home but I still
worry that she is only here because there is nowhere else, I know I haven't been there a lot for her over the years and then
when I was there she was distant but I have always hoped that we would have a chance to be close.
10:09 PM
Well joel is sound asleep and it took no time at all, see I said he was tired and Caitlin fell asleep after having a little
crying fit because I said it was bed time. Melanie slept through dinner and is awake now and wanting me to stay up cause
she gets scared watching the show that is on. I am so tired that I just want to go to sleep I can hardly keep my eyes open
so hopefully she will go to bed soon. Hopefully I'll have a better day tomorrow and I will be able to relax, and have some
fun and listen to the music, which I missed the other week but I am going to enjoy myself. i can't stop yawning that's how
tired I am at the moment and I am hoping that she goes to bed real soon cause I don't want to be awake all night because then
I am going to be tired all day. Well I am going to sign off now before I start babbling from tiredness Blessed Be!
17th January 2004
Monday, 17 January 2005 9:21 AM
Well I had a great day yesterday cause we went to Ros's and had a B-B-Q and the kids had a play around the yard which
is about 1/3 of an acre and they had a ball and we just had a great day. We had lots of food and drank way too much coke
to drink and I am so tired because we were on the go nearly all day, lots of chatting and eating, there was 6 adults and eight
kids running around and trying to get cool. I am heading off to Julie's soon cause she wants some adult company, so I will
write later on and then I had better add all these pages need to get added to my website or I will fall behind at a big rate.
I am actually felling sick in the stomach from smoking too many cigarettes this morning but I will get over it as soon as
I get a drink of lemonade in my stomach and then I will be fine. The kids are at vacation care and they have gone to see
"The Incredible's" they are very excited so I will not hear the end of it when they get home this afternoon. I
am glad to see that they are going to see a movie that they have been dying to see and that also means that Melissa and I
don't have to sit through it since I wasn't that interested in seeing it in the first place. I just feel like sleeping right
now that is how tired I am cause I didn't go to bed till late and then I was woken by the phone at 6.12am. I am sitting on
a chair shrunk right down so it's a little awkward but I can deal with it and just be a little patient and take it a little
easy especially because I am tired and feel like crashing in a heap. I have a bad feeling in my gut and I don't like this
feeling at all I so hope I am damn wrong because then I will have to do something that I don't like or want to do but if it
has to be done then it will. Time will only tell if I am right or wrong so I will hand it over to my Angels and hope for
the best and let it go with them in time. But it is still hard to get out of my head but I will just have to try my hardest
to let it out of my head and not to worry as I am sure things will all work out fine in the end I just have to have faith
and let it. Melissa has control of the remote for the foxtel and she is watching some boring old shows that I have probably
seen at least 2 or 3 times and they are not helping me to stay alert while I am feeling tired and worn out like I am right
now. Gosh I am writing a lot this morning maybe because I haven't written much in the last week or so especially with not
being able to get on to the net much since Melanie has been living here. I just hope that when the kids go back to school
we get back that we will get back into the usual routine that we had before the holidays came. I never thought that I would
long for the kids to go back to school or that the holidays would be so boring or that we wouldn't have a lot to do during
those times. I was hoping to have the money to do more things or go more places during the holidays but the money didn't
stretch as far as I thought but we did get out to Julie's a lot and all the Christmas party's and to Roslyn's and the fund
raiser stuff but only one more week and it will be back to normal. Okay went to Julie's and fell asleep on the lounge watching
baby geniuses so I must have been very tired and it was a little refreshing so that was a little bit of what I needed. I
am going to try and add these pages to my web site now before Melanie gets her little mitts on the computer and the internet.
16th FEBRUARY 2005
Sorry I haven't been around for a while but it has been really hectic and haven't had any time to deal with any of my web
pages and sites. Can't even really spend time today just needed to make sure that it is still here.
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