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11:35am...Yes i have been absent for quite a few months and I have no excuses, I was plainly of the path that I had been
on and needed time to reasses my life and the path I was taking. I seemed to be wavering and most of my life was focusing
on mostly the negative but i am setting out to change all of that and it will take time because i know it won't happen over
night. I will be updating this site daily and no more procrastinating, see you again later this arvo or night because there
is a lot of stuff that I have to update my other sites as well.
Friday 27Th January 2006
4:56pm...Well here I am going absolutely nuts from these damn kids, they keep treating me like shit and not listening to me.
Caitlin well she is just another case all together she continually and repeatedly ignores me and does things the opposite
to what she is told and does it the wrong way around. When I say she has a half hour to clean her room she is still going
an hour later, if someone has any ideas that mayu help with her situation please just email me. sometimes I wish I could
turn back time to when they were all little and could change the way things had turned out which I don't think is very good
it really suxs at the moment I tell you. I feel as if I am constantly cleaning from the moment I wake up until I go to
sleep at night and I am going nuts. Sometimes I just feel like curling up and shutting the whole world out. Well I will
be back after I go and pull all my gosh damn hair out catch you later.
7:09pm…Well I am going to bed soon because there is nothing on Tele, and I am just a bit tired to top it off.
But I said I would be back on again and I am cause I said I would. I decided to ring ros and see how things are going and
what she up to these last few days.
No one is up to much these days no money, no time and all that stuff. Well I really am tired as hell actually. Today
I have started on a new novel today but I lost momentum when the kids got home and started their crap well mainly Cait, and
her crying gave me a damn headache and I now can’t get rid of it. Okay it is time for me to hit the sack, I may
read for just a little while but it won’t be long I just want to wind down before I turn all the lights off. I
have insomnia and it takes forever to fall of to sleep if I don’t completely tire myself out all together, so it
is time to sign off and Blessed Be! To each and all of you and goodnight.
Saturday 28th January 2006
7:26am…Well here we are early in the morning and I am wide awake because I hit the sack early last night and it
feels good not to wake up grumpy and tired. I have to get a move on soon and get dressed and get ready to go shopping not
that I can do a lot of shopping because money is tight this week again because of my bills. Actually it will be all noodles
and pasta again this week, but I will try and get a voucher on Monday, but I also have to get Caitlin a present for her birthday
thank goodness I get another pay before Melissa’s birthday next week. I hate it when there is so much to do and
so little money to do it with. I really have to look for a part time job so that I have a little extra cash for these types
of things. I have to find something to wear yet because it is cold and rainy outside this morning and I hate this damn weather.
It means that I have to wear long pants and stuff which is a pain because I have to go through the cupboards since it is summer
after all. Okay I had better get to it and see what I come up with and get it all over and done with. Bye for now.
8:15am…Okay I am dressed now and the reading tutor will be here soon and then at 9:00 I will get a bus to shopping
to save a little money and catch the bus home as well . Now that the tutor is only minutes away Joel now wants breakfast,
he has to do this so it is all the time when he is about to do something, go somewhere or see someone. I just want to get
the non-shopping over and done with since I can’t get very much anyhow.
8:35am…Okay the tutor is here and Joel is in fine form taking over the session as usual, and he is right at
home with the whole process. And now that he has his own tutor he said that he will leave Cait and her tutor alone when Que
comes on Tuesdays, which will be good for the two of them. I have to get Melissa out here to sit while the tutor is here
when I go and catch the bus to go shopping. It will be very nice and quick to go shopping on my own, no chasing after kids
or anything like that. But I am sure that Melissa will ring to complain about the kids at least once just to piss me off,
so I may just turn my phone off if she rings more than once. Melissa is going to hate coming out here. Shiiiiit I don’t
have the money for the bus so I will still have to catch a taxi so I will go soon after all.
8:46am…Okay I am not going anywhere this morning while Joel’s tutor is here because Melissa is being
a totally ungrateful bitch, and I refuse to curtail to her demands any more and that is all there is to that. I knew that
she would pull this shit but I am not falling for her shit.
9:00am…I have had it completely and enough is enough. Melissa started raving on about not being given chances
and I have lost count of the chances I have given her, but she says they really don’t count because they were over
silly to her they were but to me they weren’t and she never gives a crap. I am taking down the chores chart as
they are not paying attention to it, they both have the same defence but such As such doesn’t do anything so why
should I. Then there is I should at least get some money for doing a couple of things, doesn’t matter if they sit
on their asses for the rest of the week. What good is a chore chart if they get money for doing a couple of things it is
like rewarding them for picking and choosing what they do and don’t do. If they don’t loose money for
the things they don’t do they will keep being lazy. So I will do everything myself as usual and they will get nothing,
they will not get to watch DVD’s, go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. They thought I was a bitch before well
they ain’t seen nothing yet, I have had it with the lot of them and I am over that edge and I will take no more
shit from anyone. I have let things get to far out of hand, and I am about to put a stop to it from here on in. I am too
drained to put up with this shit anymore I woke up this morning feeling great and I thought it was going to be a good day,
but like usual when I feel good one of the kids has to start and bring me down. One of them either starts an argument, or
doesn’t do as they are asked or starts whingeing about something or the other.
9.55am…Well I am about to go shopping and they can go to hell, all they do is whinge and cry and scream at me,
so they can rot here for all I care. Well I need to call the taxi now and get the hell out of here before I blow my stack
and do something all of us will regret and I will not lose Joel because of their shit.
1:35pm…okay the shopping is done but I thought bugger it we are having meat and if we are broke we’re
broke but at least we will eat and that is the most important thing. Oh well I am going to sit down and watch a DVD and do
my scratch-it’s. Also I want to look at my bargains I got from loot and they are good. Bye again for now.
4:08pm…Well I am about to get ready to go out and perve on that fine boy Ben, oooh he is yummy that is for sure
especially with that hair flick thing that he does. I know I am a bad bad girl but he is definitely worth it that is for
sure. I have to do my make-up and figure exactly what to wear. But then I have to work out how to get down there because
I have to walk because K is taking ros but the bitch is I am the one giving K the money to bring ros over so I definitely
miss out all round. I had better get Ben tonight or all this money is a waste of time and money haha. Last week he said
he could not come with us because his ex father in law was picking him up, let’s see what excuse he can come up
with this time. I know I am ugly as sin but I can’t help but hope now can I. See you either later tonight or in
the morning if I am too tired or otherwise occupied.
Tuesday 31st January 2006
11:07am…Well I have not had a very good last couple of days and feeling a little stressed but I am okay with it
now, and getting things organized. Well I am trying to get it organized in the best that I can do with what I have at this
moment. I am a little lethargic at the moment and don’t have a lot of energy or motivation, but I am trying to
build that up as much as I can. I just don’t know where to start from to get my life fully in order. I am going
to stop for a little bit now and think of what needs to be done.
Thursday 2nd February 2006
2:46pm…Well here I am waiting for Melissa to get home and big surprise it is nearly 2 hours since she got picked
up and now they are finally on their way back I am so sick of all this crap. Had better get back on the net.
Monday 6th February 2006
1:54am...Well here I am in the early hours of the morning updating my journal pages. I am not feeling real well at the moment,
probably because I didn't have any dinner and I have drank about 4 litres of coke this arvo and evening and now the morning.
I changed my whole living room, my bedroom and the study room around and boy was it a huge job and I am stuffed. But at
the same time I took a dose of guarana this evening because I wanted to get it all finished but I don't have the get up and
go energy but I am wide awake at the same time as being tired. I am doing some craft stuff at the same time as doing the
rest, but I need to relax and try to wind down so that I can get a little sleep before I have to get the kids ready for school
and myself ready for the gym. What a day I have ahead of me, and at the same time as dreading it I am so looking forward
to it. Hopefully this funny tummy feeling will go away soon now that I have had something to eat, but I need to slow down
on the coke-a-cola and the smokes. Not a lot has been really going on lately but hopefully that will cahnge soon. As I said
before I am going to the gym later this arvo, yes I joibned a gym, I get a free personal trainer to set my exact goals for
wieght lose and an exercise regime. They check it every 8 weeks to keep me on track. I am going to lose so much weight and
look fantastic, thin, toned and slender and looking fab. Okay I am going to head of now I will update again soon. Blessed
Be! and have a good life see you soon.
Wednesday 29th November 2006
7:13pm...Well I am using wordpad because this computer does not have microsoft word anything on it so I have to use this
wordpad thing that makes it very difficult to write and know how many pages I am actually doing. Brainstorm I should check
out adobe reader back in a minute.
7:23pm... Okay that did not pan out like I hoped it would so I am stuck with this, I am going to try and get Joel to go
to sleep so then I can catch up with everything that has gone on since i last wrote here in my journal or was able to get
it on my web page, so I shall see you soon I hope that is.
7:41pm... Well I think he is asleep but a very light sleep so I have to be as quiet as I can, with the computer but this
keyboard is very clicky and noisy, i will have to invest in a newer and quiet one if he keeps waking up. I am going to wait
10 minutes or so before i continue writing because there is a lot to catch up on.
8:50pm... Okay I haven't been on for quite a while but there is a reason for it, I moved to a different state on August
the 28th, to Bruce Rock, Western australia. Yes to the other side of the country to a very small, small town. When I moved
I had to leave my computer and stuff in Brisbane and have been waiting for them to be sent over and they haven't arrived yet
and I got a new computer yesterday so I am now trying to catch up on everything that has slipped to do with my computer stuff.
Since I last wrote my second eldest daughter ran away from home and moved in with Ros, yes I said Ros, of all people
that is where she went. But that only lasted a couple of months until Ros got her new 5 bedroom house and then she came up
with a reason for not having her there. Then Melissa went to a refuge at Ipswich, then 2 weeks later she was in a refuge
in Mt Gravatt, Nathaneal house. She only lasted there about 2 or 3 weeks then she had a fight with some guy there and left
with another girl to that girls friend. I haven't heard anything from her since then, other than Ros ringing her today and
to know she is still alive, cause she answered her phone and then hung up.
She ran away about 5 weeks before we left to come here to Bruce Rock. The move here happened so damn quickly, we
were looking for somewhere to move to here for months and then all of a sudden it was happening and full speed ahead. Within
2 to 3 weeks we had somewhere to live, we were packing and tying up loose ends and we were on a plane and here. I must admit
this place is nothing like I thought it would be, it is way smaller than I expected it to be, but I am getting use to it.
I haven't been out to any clubs or pubs or anything like that and that is a real shame because I am hanging to go out and
party or at least dance and stuff. There are no guys here to even look at except one 20 year old called M, but I don't think
he even knows that I am alive, but you get that.
At the moment I am living in a house with 6 bedrooms, a huge loungeroom, and a great kitchen and a huge dining room
that we never use what so ever. The place is an old convent that was associated with the catholic church next door. Joel
still isn't sleeping in his own room even though he has a new bed, the 2 rabbits live in there at the moment, until he gets
his christmas present which is a CD/TV which he can plug the playstation into. Caitlin has her own room with a high bed next
door to Ben's room, but not for long cause Ben is moving out soon, so it will just be the 3 of us in this big old house.
Ben is Suzie's eldest son.
The kids are no longer scared of spiders, insects or flying things any more, which is good. They have gotten use
to them since there are lots of them here, which is good because we just had a plague of Locusts that were around for over
a week and there was heaps of them, I mean hundreds.
Okay in short that is the catch up of things, if I wrote everything I would be here for hours on end. I am going
to have a break for a bit and then come back with todays thoughts and feelings and stuff going on in my head.
10:09pm... Okay I am feeling quite teary tonight because I am missing Cullen so much at the moment, mixed in with
a bit of homesicknee, depression and loneliness. I am so sick of being single, having no-one to hold, no-one to touch me
or to cuddle up with and feel wanted. I know I am probably being silly but I have been single and without sex for way too
long, seven years to be exact. Everyone I know has someone in thier lives even Ros. Tony got here from England last week
and i hate that she sounds so damn happy. She met him because I put her onto the website for penpals, where I met Mac and
he turned out to be a fake, I haven't heard from him since we had that little disagreement over setting a date for the wedding.
I should have known that it wasn't going to work, nothing ever works for me when it comes to my happiness. I know i sound
very negative and self-defeating but that just seems to be the way it works out for me.
So here I sit drinking down my bourbon and Cola's and playing solitaire on the computer feeling sorry for myself as
per usual. IBut I just want to be held and to feel loved, There is this guy I like but he is 16 yaers younger than me and
he probably doesn't even notice that I am alive let alone being attracted to me. But I will get over it and finally get use
to being old, fat, ugly and alone, one day. For now I am going to play solitaire and listen to music and feel sorry for myself
while I sit here and drink my bourbon and right myself off so that all my feelings are gone. It is better to be numb than
to feel depressed and alone. Hey you get that, be back later on.
Thursday 30th November 2006
4:46pm...So I didnt get back last night again because I just got carried away with the music and playing solitaire, cause
it was the first night I hadn't felt sick in the guts and spent it going back and forth from the loo. But not so good today,
everything in the fridge must go that may have gone off when Joel left the fridge door open all day, fuck it and I had only
been shopping the day before. I am not having a very good day of it today, I feel like I just keep getting kicked while I
am down, and the loneliness is driving me to the edge of insanity and there is not a lot I can do about it. You see that
I can't change the fact that I am fat, ugly and plain unattractive, its enough to keep anyone I am attracted to away. Yes
you may say that it's not good to put yourself down, but there is nothing that can prove me wrong and so it is fact and you
can't fight fact now can you.
Being lonely like I have been for months now is worse than having some disease you die from, at least with a disease
you are garaunteed that you will know what is in store for you and if you are lonely you may be that way for decades to come
and never know what heartache and pain that you will have in store. No I am not just feeling sorry for myself, this is really
how I feel and have for quite a while and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Cause there is only one guy I am attracted
too and like I said M is only 20, and he is very attractive and can have any girl in this little town that he wants, so why
in the hell would he want me. After all I 16 years older than him any not in the least attractive, so I am just setting myself
up for rejection by being attracted to him as badly as I am. I have tried to stop thinking about him in that way, but I just
cant ever help myself and I begin thinking about him again. I guess that just makes me a glutton for punishment then doesn't
it and I have no-one but myself to blame , and I continually fuck myself up and do self-defeating things all the time. I
am going to explore the computer just a little bit more and see if I can recover any word documents.
7:56pm... Well that didn't accomplish anything and I really just want to punch anything. The Kids have just gone of to
bed so I am going to play cards and try the discs just one more time to try and find a word document that I can download hopefully
I will be back soon.
8:53pm... I am about to run office XP and hopefully I won't loose all this and I will have more resources on this computer.
Friday 1st December 2006
8:41am...Okay the kids have just left for school and I wasted 3 hours trying to get word set up on the computer but it
just fucked the things on the computer that I have on there so it is not looking very good. Maybe once I get the Windows
98 disc and re set everything up again I will get it all back and get word. Suzie is here and it is time to go.
5:57PM...Okay the day went slowly and I am still not a hundred percent but I am feeling a little better. I am still feeling
lonely and all that, but I don't see that going away in a hurry especially while I have no one. Caitlin is just about to
go the end of the year school disco at the pool and Joel and I are staying home and just taking it easy and having a few drinks
myself. I am thinking about having a cup of soup for dinner or maybe a cup of noodles, something easy for dinner. Well I
am going to play a few more games and then think about what to have dinner.
7:27pm...Okay it is nearly time to put Joel to bed and to sleep, I just put on a brand new sheet for my bed and it is
nice and cool. Also it is nice and quiet because caitlin is at this disco at the pool and won't be back until half past nine,
so no arguements for at least one night. I am going to try and do some writing on my novel tonight if I feel like it but
I also might just watch some television which I haven'done for about 4 days straight now. But for now I will see how long
it takes for Joel to fall of to sleep.
Monday 4th December 2006
9:16pm... Okay daylight savings started here yesterday and know it is daylight until half past 8 at night and it is messing
the kids around just a little bit but they will eventually get use to it. I stayed up late last night doing the rest of the
Christmas decorations and now they place is looking more like Christmas. Also for the first time ever I have put some Christmas
lights up outside and they look really good and have 8 different settings for them so we can change the look whenever we like
so that is good, because the kids are always on my back about decorating outside and this year I have done it and I am quite
proud of myself at that . That is about all that I am feeling good about myself at the moment, It just seems to be getting
me down that I don't seem to be fitting in around here. Like I am just here for convenience and that I should be in the big
city or at least a bigger city, where there is different types of people around and not everyone knows everyone. cause it's
sort of like if your an outcast here then everyone knows about it and that is just that. I supose I just feel this way because
Suzie doesn't seem to around much lately and I feel like I am more a hinderence than a help and if it wasn't for the kids
that I might not be here. It is just a feeling in my guts but those feelings are usually right 99% of the time but I hope
that I am not right because I really enjoy being here when I am around Suzie and the kids, and guys when they are around and
I am feeling like I belong somewhere. I would hate it if it was all in my head and that they really don't want me here, but
that is the paranoia and depression speaking here.
I am thinking about doing something on my novel tonight, even if it is just to get some of this crap out of my head
and use it to help my creative thinking and imagination getting going. I am hoping once Christmas is over that my head won't
be so over the place and knocking myself about. So here goes with the writing and stuff and I may just have a beer or 2 to
help get the juices flowing.
11:14pm...Well I did write some of my novel but I decided not to have a drink because I just got so into the writing.
If I wasn't so damn tired I would have been able to type for hours because the story was flowing and it felt really good.
So now I am going to have one last smoke and play solitaire and then I am going of to la-la land and have sweet dreams.
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