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Well I didn't get to make an entry yesterday because I had trouble with my internet and had no other way to access it.
Though not a lot happened any way because I wasn't feeling to good, my whole body was fall of aches and pains, because I did
so much running around up and down stairs and all over the place. Then also their is the fact of the usual womens problem
every month and I was on my way there. I know er yuk she's talking about that stuff but it is a part of life so get over
it. So we had a pretty lazy day and just watched tv with the kids all day and had quick to make easy food but it is a different
story today.
I have typed up a chores list for today so we can get the whole house cleaned so that we can have a week that is just
a little easier for all of us and we just have to do a little tidying to keep it clean and we can have the week before Christmas
to relax and take it a little easier.
Also I have done up the girls new chart for chores and a meal planner for the this week and it can be edited for weeks
that follow, also I did a list to put on the cupboard to keep track of the food we have and need to make it easy for the meal
planner for the week.
What am I going to do with Caitlin I just said she couldn't have toast but that she could make herself a sandwich and
she stomped up the stairs crying because I said no. I am just glad the other 2 dont do that or I would have a massive headache
non stop but oh well it's not going to affect my good mood and the motivation that I have got because I was able to have a
day of rest yesterday.
Melissa can be a complete dag sometimes, she was holding the butter container upsidedown over the top of the toaster
to melt it to go on the toast which melts it anyway. Oh well at least I had a bit of a laugh with it. Joel is sitting very
quietly with the cat and watching the Simpsons and now the bionicles so that is a good thing and makes it easier for us while
we try to clean up the house. Oh god she is crying again because she got in trouble for using too much butter I just don't
know what to do about the crying over every little thing. If it was just a sob it wouldn't be so bad, but she cries with
a scream like she has been beatin up and I haven't laid a hand on her It is all because she got in trouble and with words.
I am so lucky that I have started to learn to block out the crying once it starts most of the time even when it is over
the most ridiculous things and reasons. The worst part is that I am sure it really annoys the nieghbours because it annoys
the hell out of Joel and Melissa ninety percent of the time and that is when Melissa starts getting in her face and then world
war three starts. But I must say Melissa is getting better at just letting it go and ignoring it, so things in that respect
are a bit better than they have been.
Oh well we are having something to eat now and we are all getting of our butts and doing all the stuff on the list
so we can have a clean house and rest after that and watch a couple of movies on box office and the videos that we got the
other day.
So I am going sign off now and catch up later on tonight when the kids have gone to bed.
Okay It's not night time but joel and Caitlin are playing quietly and I am having a short break from the cleaning.
The food is all put away in the cupboard and I have written out a list of the food we have and how much of it we have. So
now I am having a cool down break because it is an extremely hot and sweaty so I am having a cold drink and a smoke and then
getting into the fridge to clean it out and writing out what we have in there. Then I can work out our meal plane for the
week and maybe next week's as well because I am only shopping once in these next 2 weeks. So at least I will know ahead of
time what I have to get to make sure we have enough.
I still have to get a few things next week for presents and stuff as well as drinks to take to Julies on Christmas
day. I have make what little money I get last for all we need to get and smokes and food and stuff for the next week. It
should just be top up stuff like milk, bread and meat and we'll use tin veges next week.
Okay now to get back into the claening and organising and all that type of stuff.
Well here we are at 7pm and the kids and I have just finished dinner, we had goulash, pasta and mashed potatoe and
I loved every moment of it. I am giving the kids some time to settle down and calm down a little before I get then to go
to bed and then I may just settle down and watch a movie and then get to bed early.
My stomach feels as if it's going to burst from eating way too much because i really love goulash and it's been a while
since we haven't had mash for quite a while.
I am a little tired from cleaning the entire kitchen and getting it all put away. But it also makes me feel good to
get it nice and clean and to accomplish what I set out to do when I woke up this morning.
Shit the phone mob just ripped me off big time, for a service that I can not access. Now I can't find a service that
will give me downloads for my type of phone and it is really annoying.
Okay the kids haven't gone to bed as easy as I planned but I am going to lay down with Joel and hopefully he will go
off to sleep for me. So here I go again with trying to get an early night.
20th December 2004
Well the kids aren't going to vacation care today because I have an appointment at 1am and can't get them to ymca and make
the appointment on time. But that's cool they will get out of the house and ride on a couple of buses with me, and they like
going on busues and stuff so that is cool.
Well Joel had a restless night last night because he was expecting Santa, so it will be a hard night Christmas Eve
keeping him in bed and asleep because he will know Santa is definately coming that night so I have to get prepared for a long
night that night. I like seeing him excited but I just wish it didn't keep him awake most of the night but I can deal with
it since he is quite easy to get back to sleep once he is asleep and I will have to sleep with him that night to make sure
he doesn't get into the presents before everyone else is up.
It is hard to believe that it is only 5 more sleeps until Christmas day it has come around so quickly that it only
seems that we just had Christmas last year.
Okay welll just a short note for now because we have to get ready for my appointment, really don't want to miss my
appointment or I won't get another one at this time of year. So bye for now.
Hey there all, well things are really looking up and Christmas is going to be great financially now with more money
than I expected so the kids wil have a great day. I am glad things are looking up for the kids and it will be special like
I wanted for them.
I am hell tired right now, all that broken sleep last night but I am heading off to bed very shortly, I can't stop
yawning because I have been so darn busy these last few weeks and it is all catching up on me. We aren't going to Cairns
new years eve now because they can't extend the payment date by one day so I will have to try and book for another time during
the holidays. At least I will try to because the kids aren't happy about not going but the trains are really booked up and
have lots of people on the waiting list anyway.
The time is going by so quickly and there is nothing I can do to slow it down at all so I will just have to go along
with it and get use to the time flying. Even though at the same time there are times that it feels like it is slowing right
down and taking to long. Time is a funny thing and it is not mine to work out what is going on with it, just to do what I
can with the time that I have.
I am suprised that I haven't collapsed into sleep with the way I am yawning all the time and shortening of breathe
from all the yawning that sometimes keeps going for minutes at a time.
I am watching my favourite show at the moment "Love my Way." It is really good to see a show that shows
real life and people with real problems and how they do and don't deal with the problems and I can really relate to a lot
of the things in the show. It is about time that we finally had a show on tele like this and it doesn't surprise me that
Claudia Karvan come up with the idea and scripting for the show, she is very talented and down to earth. Trust it to be a
woman that decided to get out of the box of these idealic soap lifes that we see on our series that are on our tv's thesse
days. It's those shows that make everything turn out rosy all the time no matter what, that make people depressed with their
lives when they see these perfect families and relationships. But I watch "Love my Way" and think shit it's not
just me that has a bit of a messed up past and that things go wrong for other people as well and that it is not just me after
all. Then when they do work things out that aren't all wrapped up in a perfect bow, sometimes it goes how they want and sometimes
it doesn't but they deal with it anyway and the outcome. I know I'm talking about a show on tv but I draw upon it draw strength
from it sort of in a funny way.
Oh it's a good laugh as well as the serious it has the light side of life as well and it is just funny how shit happens
to all of us sometime or another and we just have to laugh at life sometimes. Or we will go insane if we take life too serious
all the time, because it really wasn't meant to be that way if you think about.
Okay well I am going to sign off now and put the little things away that are lying around and then head off to bed
and get a good nights sleep and deal with a day with no cigarettes, which will be a bit of a hard one to do but I will get
through it hey.
Blessed Be!
22nd December 2004
Well here I am at 5.55am again it seems, but I didn't just wake up, I got up at 3.50am twenty minutes after I set my alarm
for. I decided last night when I decided to go to sleep at 8.30pm because I wanted to get up and get stuck into the clothes
all over my floor while the kids were asleep and it was nice and cool. I watched tele while I did it but I got it all finished
by 5.40am and now it is all out of the way and I can get the rest of the stuff and the mess cleaned up in my room and then
I can get all my books of the step that lead up to the bedrooms and stuff. At least then we can all walk up the stairs without
falling down or up the steps and it will look nice and tidy, and it has been there for a while. Also have decided that I
want to have the house and everything in it sorted and organised by the new year because I believe that the way you start
the new year is how you shape it for the rest of that year.
I want this new year to start on a positive, fresh and progressive year and not to be stuck in any rut or have any
stuff left un-organised and then have it stay that way for another year. I want to start the new year as a new life for all
of us, have more structure, the right boundries, and a feeling of peace and happiness for the whole family.
This is our fresh break to set things as they way they should be in a happy family, for there to be no fighting and
arguing all the time for all of us to have respect for each of us and to sort any problems that come our way can be sorted
in a positive and productive manner. I know it won't happen over night and it wont be a piece of cake or easy as saying it.
It will take hard work and persistance and commitment on all sides but I know we can do it, just that it will take a little
time and I want this more than anything. You see it is strange I can see clearly now how I want things to go, and want it
more than ever than anything I have ever wanted anything in my life not just for me but for the kids they deserve to have
consistancy, something they can depend on and they deserve to be happy and content and thats why I am willing to put all the
ground work and hard work, what ever it may take to get this for us all.
I am going to get Joel up soon to go to the shop and newsagent before the girls get up. I have to get smokes and get
the series books they newsagent lady has been holding for me for about 5 weeks at least and my lotto for the new year weekend
and a couple of scratch it's for luck and a bit of fun. I am glad that I have got the clothes done and got a start on my
room because I have been procrastinating on it for so long with so much going on. And now I am watching this great movie
called "A Walk to Remember" it is such a feel good movie and shows that anything is possible and that anyone can
change it just take the right things to be put in action. Just the type of movie I need to see right now when I am feeling
this way and trying to change the way things are for me.
I am surprised at how awake I feel after getting up so early and doing stuff the whole time and that is a good feeling.
It will be nice too, to go for that walk to the shops while it is nice and cool and peacefully quiet as long as Joel is too
loud as we are walking down there. Getting there before evryone else and not having any noisy crowds or waiting in line for
people to get served, and the nice walk will be a bonus as well and it will be nice. I am just giving Joel a little more
time to sleep before I walk him up to go walking this early in the morning cause it has only just gone 6.25am so it's a little
earlier than usual and very early for a walk than usual, but you get that and he'll also get to enjoy some just us time which
is something all the kids need to get on a daily basis. That is something I really want to get into then maybe there won't
be as much tension and fighting between the kids and will help in the whole process of the new life that I want to build for
us.
Okay he is up and rearin to go down down the shops and get his packet of JJ's chip that I promised him so I will sign
off now and we will get going.
23rd December 2004
Well I didn't get up at 4am like I was planning, my alarm went off but I must have hit the off button instead of the snooze
button. Which I am regretting right now because Joel is already carrying like a pork chop while Caitlin is doing her room.
I want to get this whole house cleaned from top to bottom before tomorrow, because I found out yesterday arvo that the kids
aren't booked into the vacation care for that day. So that means I have to change my plans around for tomorrow cause I was
going to do shopping in the arvo but now that would just be insanity. So I am going to get up real early no hitting the alarm
off button or snooze, I just have to get up immediately. When I get up I will get straight up and clean up what is left over
from the kids during the day after it has been cleaned. I am going to ring the shops and find out there opening time and
as soon as they are open I will head off to get the things I need for Christmas day. Like soft drinks for the kids, the presents
for Jasmine, Shelby, Julie and Adam, some meat for the rest of the week, some milk and bread and what ever I think of later
during the day. I haven't decided whether I will take the young ones with me or if I will get Melissa to take them to McDonalds
while I get it done, just them in a shopping centre is really stressful and if I get them anything else they will see it.
Then we are going down the club at 11am to have lunch with Julie and kids and Marge and Bev for a Christmas lunch celebration
and to listen to some music and relax for a little bit and after the lunch the kids will play in the club playground or go
watch some videos while the adults listen to Dave in the sitting area.
That all finishes about 3pm so that is 4 hours gone in the day, then when we get home I am thinking about taking the
kids to the movies at Toombul it just depends on how the transport situation is. But it would really be nice to take the
kids to see "The Polar Express" cause I've been told it is a great Christmas movie to see with the kids. Also I
am going to ring the bus company and see if they are having the Christmas lights tour of a night cause if it is too hard to
get to Toombul and if they have the tours we might go on that depending on the costs. But no matter what I really want to
do something with the kids on Christmas eve and start a new family tradition for all of us.
Though first we have to get through the stuff that needs to be done today cause it's not been a great or productive
morning so far cause Joel and Caitlin have been arguing non stop since they woke up. So hopefully they calm down a bit and
it doesn't go on like this all day but I'm not holding out hope at the moment. Cause right now Caitlin is in her room crying
because she was carrying on and I told her that I can't tell when she is telling the truth or not because she has lied to
my face so often and then she started crying saying why doesn't anyone believe me. And it's hard to explain that when she
lies all the time no one knows when she is telling the truth or not and that when she has shown that she has stopped lying
then we'll be able to believe her. Then she started that Mel lies and I believe her but she doesn't get it they don't lie
straight to my face, don't get me wrong I want to believe her but she has gotten so use to lying that it is just second nature
to her and it happens so often that I just don't know when she is telling the truth. This is just one of the things I need
to work on but right now I feel like screaming and shoving my head into a pillow for the whole day. She cryies everytime
she gets in trouble for even the little things and when she wants something she can stop crying at the drop of a hat but when
I want her to cause she's driving me nuts. The crying is just driving me nuts, everyone must think I am murdering her or
at the very least beating her all the time. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think but I have to live here for
a long time and I am sick of being looked at as the bad horrible mother who is screaming at her kids all the time and making
them cry all the time. I just don't know what to do about her anymore, why does she cry so much for little things as getting
in trouble like any kid. It was getting better there for a little while but it seems to be going back to the beginning again,
the whole time I hav been writing this she has been crying non stop and I don't know how to stop her doing this all the time.
Getting angry all the time does not make a bit of difference, ignoring it does not work either and it's not just getting to
me but to Melissa as well so I am sure it is getting to my nieghbours as well. Luckily at the moment the closest nieghbour
is away on holidays so it can't annoy them. She is so loud that I can hear her over the top of the tele down here, the tele
Joel is watching in my room and the stereo in her room that Melissa has on so for sure all the nieghbours can hear at this
early hour of the morning since it has only just gone 8.30am. If anyone reads this and has any ideas of what I can do, cause
maybe they have gone through something similiar, cause I am at a loss.
Well it's time for this insane mum to get of the internet and make some phone calls and then get into the cleaning
and organising this house before our big Christmas period cause it doesn't stop after Christmas day we Jasmines birhtday party
on boxing day. So I will sign off for now and maybe write some more tonight when the kids have all gone to bed. BYE and
Blessed Be!
Okay things have settled down and it is only 11.30am, I devised a plan Caitlin has the room until 12.30 and the Melissa
has the room until dinner time to clean there room spotless and the way I have told them and so far it is a lot quieter and
calm than it was only a couple of hours ago. Also things are getting done and the day is becoming productive more than I
thought it would be when we started out this morning. Now I must go and check my e-mails before they over do my storage facility.
Okay plans have changed again, the kids are booked into vacation care tomorrow, and R from the department is coming
at 3.15 in the arvo. So for a start I am pulling an allnighter to get the house clean from top to bottom since it has been
way to damn hot to do much at all plus it has taken Caitlin all day to clean her part of the room up. So once the kids have
all gone to bed including Melissa, I will make a start in the loungeroom and then move into the kitchen. Then once they have
been asleep for a while I will do the bathroom and the tiolet when I can't wake thyem up and then I'll move into my room and
sort those things out. Then I will have a shower or a long bath and then relax and watch tele for a while and wait for mum
and John to arrive and then get those presents put under the tree before the kids wake up. Then I will wake the kids about
6/6.30am and get them all in the shower one by one and then get them dressed and some time during the night I will have done
their lunches. Then at 7.30 on the dot we will leave for vacation care then get to the shops by 8am when the shops open,
get the soft drinks and stuff, then head off to Julie's and then we wil all head of to the club for a relaxing few hours.
Then Melissa and I will head home and wait for Rose and then she leaves we both will head off to crazy clarks and pick up
the presents for the ones I have to get. I still haven't decided what we are doing tomorrow night but I wil ring up about
that very soon.
I am all revved up and ready to get stuck into the cleaning and getiing this house back to it's normal clean state.
Oh thats right I also want to sew material covers on all the kitchen table chairs and make the place a little more co-ordinated
the best I can with what I have got here. I am looking forward to the start of tomorrow and the beginning of our Christmas
celebrations for the next three days. It will be nice to take it easy and just enjoy the time, the company and the joy of
the holidays.
Actually I just looked out the window and it looks like it is going to rain big time. Yet there is no clouds really
but ther is lots of wind and thunder but it is stil light out. I gaurantee I will be in the journal a lot tonight as I think
of things and also I am starting to feel a little down about it being our first Christmas without my sweet Cullen who I miss
so much. Everyone tells me to expect to feel this way at this time of the year and that is why I have followed their advice
about being out on Christmas day and thats why Julie says it is best for us to be with them on Christmas day. I am so very
lucky to have a friend like Julie that understands me and doesn't judge me for anything and in a way knows what I am going
through and how hard it can be.
But you know what it is not a depressing sad just wish he was here with us and we have never had a Christmas without
him since he was born, so I am just going to allow myself time to deal with it and remember all of the happy Christmas's we
did have together and rejoice in those times.
I have so much to be grateful for in my life and dwelling on what has gone wrong in my life and what pain and suffering
that I have had in my life because that will only make my life negative and I want to have have a positive and productive
life and that means focusing on the positive and good in my life, which is completely what I am setting my mind too. You
know what I feel a bit wierd looking forward to cleaning the house tonight because I get a real lift and a buzz when I see
my house clean and know that I did it all on my own and the place looks great. I just got the urge to have a choc attack
and luckily I had a block of chocolate in the fridge that I brought last week and didn't feel like having right at that time.
Ooooh it tastes so damn good too, and there is nothing like a chocolate buzz there is nothing better in this world and I
defy anyone to find anything that is better. I am so glad that the weather is cooling down but I am afraid that this means
that we are going to have rain for the next few days since it is the Christmas period, like it would. The weather channell
has been saying that we have a week ahead of rain and thunder storms and bad weather but you get that.
Oh well it's nearly time for dinner and we are just having a quick and easy meal of spaghetti on toast or something
along those lines. Cause no one even really feels like eating because it has been so hot and just because it is starting
to cool down doesn't mean it is cool enough just yet. Anyway we are going to be eating a hell of a lot over the next few
days and they are going to be big meals so I am not going go at the kids too much about having snackish stuff for dinner.
Okay I had better get it all under way and then make out a plan of action for the cleaning and stuff for tonight.
I'll probably be back later on tonight when I need a break from the cleaning and want to get things out.
Well it's 11pm and all the kids are in bed and I have typed out my list of things to do ready to get into the work.
I am not tired one little bit which is a good thing for me since I am pulling an all nighter hey, cause if I was tired I
would lay down to rest and that would be the end of me and the cleaning would never get done. Because the kids aren't much
good in the helping to clean up department. I mean it took Caitlin 9 hours yes 9 hours to clean up her stuf which amassed
to about a 1/2 a metre squared space. I know that it didn't take that long cause she is dumb and didn't know what to do because
she is a very smart girl she is just quite lazy and refuses to listen and goes off on her crying tangents. But at least it
wil all be done tonight and then they just have to help keep it clean which in the long run it is easier to keep it tidy once
it's cleaned up than it is to do a big cleaning hey. So tonight I am going to enjoy cleaning up without any argueing or whinging
or crying children around, also because it is way much cooler now than it has been all day I tell you. I want to get stuck
into it right now but I need to build my motivation up and wait a little bit for the Guarana to kick in and give me a little
energy burst, though I did do the first thing on my list before I sat down to write this up so I guess I'm off to a fairly
good start you could say. I don't want to rush it after all I have 6 hours to get it al done and I know that it won't take
me that long, once the Guarana happens and the cleaning bug and motivation kicks in big time evn if I take it slowly it won't
take the 6 hours to get it done. It never takes very long once I get into it and start in that cleaning frame of mind as
I usually do when I get the cleaning bug like I have now. So when I make my next entry here during the night it will most
likely be the 24 of December cause that is only 40 minutes away hey, so have a good nights sleep all, yes I know no-one is
listening but to me my journal is like a best friend that I can tell anything to and not worry about being judged or anything
like that, that is why I talk to this journal like it is a human being cause it is like one to me in a strange way. SLEEP
TIGHT.
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