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3.05 am Well here I am back after such a long time since I have written anything, cause with the people in my house I haven't
felt comfortable writing anything just in case they saw what I was writing. Yes that seems strange since this journal is
a web site, but there is a difference between people I do not know reading it and the people in my house because they don't
understand my feelings and would take my feelings personal. But this journal is a place to get the things in my head out
of my head and be able to let things go, instead of dweeling on them.
3:29pm Well this has been a really hard week for me, my darling Cullen would have been 5 years old on the 21st april
the Wednesday that has just gone and I never thought it would be this hard. My emotions have been all over the place ranging
from sadness and desparate depression to anger, frustration and every emotion that could possibly fit in between and I have
been a complete horror of a person to live with cause not even I can guess how I am going to feel or react in the next moment
and that drives me up the damn wall, I just don't know what to think of myself anymore.
4:00pm I am trying to get my mind off things by pulling out nearly every piece of clothing that me and the kids own
and sorting through them. What ever they haven't worn in the last six months is going to go into a garbage bag and then i
am going to donate it to "The Smith Family" because they have helped me out in the past when we have had nothing
and I just want to put that help back to hate others in need. Also it keeps me busy, and I get to thin my cupboards out and
make life simplier and at the same time helping others. I love to be able to help others and pay back the good deeds that
have been passed to me. I believe we can make the world a better place if we just help each other out and not turn a blind
eye and act as if our part of the universe has no poverty or people that can't afford the needs in life. We all have bad
times at one time or another and letting people know that they are not the only ones that there are others like them out there
and we can al help each other. That was one of my main reasons for starting this journal on line as well as being able to
get things of my chest. I am going to go for a sec and see if my yahoo groups are stil up and running, cause other than privacy
reasons my internet connection and computer have been playing up a lot. Like it took nearly 4 hours just get my internet
to connect this morning to get on and catch all this up in the first place so I shant be very long, well I hope so anyway.
Cause I would realy like to start a links page for my groups and for other web sites like mine that might be out there. it
would be nice to know that others are actualy visiting my pages and also I am going to find a guestbook page that I can add
to the web pages for al to see including myself how many people come and visit these pages.
6:31pm Well I finaly got the links page up on this site but there is some more sites that I would like to put on the links
site more this one, some more groups that I think people wil enjoy visiting. Also some fun pages and the like as well as
some more pages to do with my faith and beliefs, some sites that can give you a tarot or rune reading. some games pages to
relieve every day stress that people feel. months ago when I was writing I was telling you all about the two girls Kylie
and Maata that were friends of my daughter and they were boarding here with us. Well I was saying that I really didn't trust
them and that I just knew they were going to cause some sort of trouble but I just didn't know how much or how bad it would
get at that time and place. It come down to stupid bitchy stuff that started it all, Mel my daughter and her friend A were
down the local shop with the other 2 and those 2 were looking to get drugs and my girl and A weren't interested so they came
home and that was the start of total trouble. Mel's boyfrien rang and asked for them to go for a ride and they waited a
while for the others but when the boyfriend came they weren't back. So my girl and A went off with him and the other 2 got
back about 15 minutes later and that's when they turned on her. They rang them on the mobile and started to abuse her, and
started saying very nasty things about her right in front of me, and I told them to stop because it was my daughter they were
talking about and they got shitty at me for sticking up for her. Then they stormed upstairs to the room, but when maata went
into have a shower I went to talk with kylie just to tell her that it doesn't matter what is going on between them that this
was stil my house and she was my daughter and I would not put up with there crap and bad mouthing my daughter. Then Kylie
started telling me about al the stuff Mel had apparently stole from me and then said she stole my mobile phone that I couldn't
find and gave it to these guys for drugs and even though they were there they put the blame all on mel. My temper started
to boil but I kept my mouth shut because I knew the 2 of them had gotten hold of a packet of serapax and when they were on
tablets they went stupid big time especially Maata. So when I heard my girl and a pull up just as Maata was about to get
out of the shower and I told Kylie to tell Maata not to start anything and just keep her mouth shut and just go out like they
were planning, but of course the trouble making lying hoe that she is just couldn't do as I asked. i didn't want anything
to start because it was like 11pm at night and my nieghbours were aslep and the mum was only a month of giving birth and needed
as much sleep as she could get. they had words and by midnight Maata just had to push it even further and started punching
into Mel and I was a mess and rang Ros and then Melissa and Caitlin were both awake crying and screaming and were scared about
what was happening. So we had to call the police to stop the crap because even though I had had pulled the girls apart they
were stil yeling and screaming at each other, swearing calling each other every name under the sun. I kept telling them to
shut up that I was not allowing this to happen in my house, that they were disturbing the nieghbours and scaring the kids
after waking them up. Mel tried her hardest to not scream and that back but she could only take so much, but Maata was trying
to show everyone just how tough she was. The police showed up and when I told them why it had started they were as annoyed
at them as I was and thought it was ridiculous and came up to tell them to stop being immature and that they all needed to
go to bed and then in the morning just move on. But Maata started carrying on how she was the one being hard done by and
that everyone else was in the wrong and it was the poor me's for her. the Police told her to stop being a big drama queen.
then They ran off down the stret and the police followed them and then didn't come back. Though when the girls came back
and started to carry on a little but finally I convinced them to go to bed. By then they were both well on thier way of their
face, and got down the back shed where they started on each other, yeling, slamming the doors and smashing things and I called
the police again but it took them an hour to get here and 5 mins before they did they nodded off, so the police said to leave
them and kick them out in the morning. In the morning al morning I sat there on the phone to try and find them somewhere
to go but Mata just couldn't help herself. After I told her repeatedly not to go near Mel's room but she just had to and
it started again and we called the police. again they came out and told the girls to stop and then went. Then they started
again and we had to get the police out again, this time when they came out, the 2 bitches started to put the shit on me like
saying they payed all this rent and weren't getting food and all that. This really pissed me off because I was the one that
was trying to find them somewhere to go so they wouldn't be out on the streets. i had had it by then and wanted to strangle
the pair of them, but I just wanted the crap to stop and for there to be peace and quiet. So the police said because they
couldn't make them leave legally at that moment that they said for Maata slag girl and Kylie the misleaded fool to stay down
the shed and not to come up to the house and for Mel and A to stay in the house my 2 were happy for that to happen and the
the other 2 agreed that would happen. Half way through the police being here Ros and her hubby had arrived and was quite
pissed off about being brought into my problems because of these girls. but 10 minutes after the police left Maata just swayed
up the stairs and said she was going to have a shower. Ros told her there was no way in hell she was going to be in the house
more than a second and told herself, then Mata pleads to me let her have a shower. At this point I just snapped big time
and screamed at her to get the hel out of my house. Ros and them were making her go and my daughter just yelled at her big
time but I grabed a knife and I was going after her but the others stopped me. Then more shit started and the 2 bitches from
hell were going to all my nieghbours and asking to use the phone to call the police but we did as well. In the meantime Kylie's
social worker had arranged a cab to take them to her office and get them out of my house. The cab came three times, but when
these next lot of police came they 2 bitches told them we had stolen all this stuff from them. I reassured the police we
did not have them and if they were found I would return them immediately because I didn't want them. The 2 of them kept carrying
on and saying all this crap and they was so much I could of had them charged with but al I wanted was them out of my house
and for there to be some peace and quiet. So eventually the police stayed ther until the taxi cab came back and made sure
they got in. we did have to cal them back a couple more times over the following days and then they were gone to melbourne.
i am so glad they went though but Maata the biggest liar, most hated girl and biggest trouble maker I have ever known
is stil reaking havoc. she went to Melbourns with Kylie and tore her family completely apart. She is sleeping with Kylie's
40 odd year old vietnemese uncle, has Kylie's cousin and aunt hooked on drugs. Then there is the most hateful, poisoning
inhuman thing any one could ever do, kylie's Grandma was very sick and had these very potent tablets and Maata came to see
Kylie after being kicked out by the dad. while she was there she stole the grandma's very neccessary and important tablets,
and because they were a restricted type of tablet that you can only get every 30 days or the situation had to be investigated.
Though because she only had a week or so to get some more the grandmother tried to hold out. But that was not possible,
the grandmother had a turn and she died because she did not have the medication. Kylie's father kicked her out and blamed
her for bringing Mata into there family and therefore she was to blame for the death. No that is not fair in the least but
she chose to stick with Maata and not listen to people warning her, though I do hope Karma gets Maata because an innocent
woman died over her greedyness and desire to get high and get what she wants.
Know don't think my daughter is no way to blame for the things that happened here because she does have a lot to be
responsible for but she never will. She now has a huge debt with a credit agency over her bil that she never paid at the shop,
and she is continuing to make my life hell to make me pay for my past mistakes. I have taken responsibility for them and
said sorry and changed my life but she wants to blame everyone else for her problems and not herself. OKAY enough about that
shit I need to check my groups and e-mailks and search for the other links I want on my links page and try and get the word
of this site out to others. See you in a few hours.
tuesday 26th April 2005
1:41am...here I am at 1:21am going out of my mind with anger and hurt and dissappointment. Melanie and her friend Aymee
said they were going out to the convention centre to go to a sale, and would be back by midnight. then just before midnight
I get of the net to ring and see how far away they are, now keep in mind Mel is supposed to give me $150 that she owes me.
But when I pick up the phone there is a message there so i ring and get it. It is Melanie saying that she is not coming
home and is staying at bahloo refuge for the night but will be gone in the morning. So I ring back the number they rang from
cause I was very confused and they said she turned up about 8.30- 9 and said she couldn't stay with us anymore and that they
needed somewhere to live, and the lady there had given them a bed for the night but that they should go home because they
can and they refused and said that they would sleep on the roof of the hospital if they couldn't stay so that was why they
were allowed to stay the night. I asked the lady not to tell her that I called and that I would ring her in the morning and
see what was going on. So when I got of the phone I thought I would look for her diary and see if she had planned this all
day and guess what she sure had. There was note there saying that they had to go, that they were doing what was best for
everyone that aymee was getting too depressed seing mel with her family. That they didn't want to hurt me and that they appreciated
what I had done for them and that they were sorry. can you believe the hide of the two of them, I moved my kids out of there
rooms so they could have the big room, I cooked for them, cleaned for them, worried myself sick when Aymee ran away and then
when I got a call from the police saying aymee and mel were on the roof of a building and aymee was threatening to jump, I
was worrying about them and kept checking to see things were okay. Then they don't even have the decency to tell me too my
face that they were not coming back, and when they rang they just left a cryptic message. They probably think that because
they rang and didn't really explain anything that I would not go into thier room until sometime tomorrow. That way they could
show up back here if they can't get anywhere else and I won't have found the note or known they were not going to come back,
then leave again when they have been told they have found a place. But believe me I am not letting them back here, they have
screwed my life up enough and I just can't take it anymore, I feel like I am losing my mind and they are just trying to push
me over the edge. Hopefully we will be able to move very shortly and I will never tell Mel where I am going ever she can
rot in hell for the rest of her life. Why can't I learn that people wil just take me for everything that I have, they are
selfish little girls that have caused me so much trouble and pain. next time I say I am helping someone out or letting thme
stay with me please smack me over the head with a brick and knock some sense into me cause I don't think my sanity would last
through another 4 months like like these ones. God I want to scream and cry all at the same time, I am angry and very hurt
at the same time that they would do this to me. Especially after they were acting all nice and everything and waited for
me to cook them dinner before they left. What a f**king hide they have I really do hope they rot in hell and have everything
they care about and work for taken away from them like they have done to me.
1:59am... My head is reeling right now and I can hardly believe this is happening, this shit is all a big game to mel
and a, mel said she wanted to make me pay for my past mistakes over and over again. So I can only guess what she wil be up
to next, I wouldn't put it paste her to make up a whole lot of stuff and go to the department and try and get the kids taken
off me just so she can ruin my life cause she has to blame everyone else for her life going wrong. She never takes responsibility
for anything that happens it is always someone else to blame and when she can't get what she wants out of people anymore she
throws them away like rubbish. I wil just be glad to get my house and life back to the more pleasant way that it was before
she came and tore my life apart. She really cares for no one but herself, she didn't even care that I have been upset about
not having my son here on earth to celebrate his 5th birthday, she just wants to cause me pain and send me over the edge.
But when I move she wil never see any of us ever again, you don't treat family like that and expect them to take it. One
day she wil have no-one left and she wil truey be alone, she doesn't know what loneliness is yet but I am sure she will soon.
2:33am... I am trying to work off my anger by getting all our clothes out and into a big pile which I had been in the process
of all this last week I have got in and folded and sorted 75% out already, as well as getting into the monday morning stuff,
you know the cleaning stuff from after the week-end, cause you know kids there is not much success in cleaning up after ever
time they play and stuff or you would be cleaning 24/7. So my usual plan of action on monday morning once the kids have gone
off to sleep, I start by putting a load of washing on then I clean and vacuum the lounge and then it's off to the kitchen
and that is taken care of. Then I do the bathroom and tiolet and then tackle each of the bedrooms and then it is beautiful
and clean for the rest of the day. Then the kids come home from school and mess it up a little and I get dinner. But before
Melanie and her friends come to stay and I then had no me time cause they were always home and never got off thier asses,
so my usual night time thing stopped happening because I was just worn out and didn't feel like doing much. But once I have
done the big clean up on a Monday the house was so easy to keep clean for the rest of the week but with those lazy girls here
the place wouldn't even get to stay clean for a day and some days especially lately I just got sick of cleaning up after them
all the time cause it just never made a difference. And you know what it was just this week-end I was so disgusted how things
were going that I decided to start doing some of the things that I used to do before the girls came. like nearly every second
week-end Joel, Caitlin and Myself use to lay up in my bed and just spend time together and watch television and be together,
but of cause with Melissa being a teenager she would stay in her room nearly all day and sing along with her music into her
hairbrush. But back to where I was on the Monday arvo thing,once we had dinner I would sit down with the kids and watch tele
and then when I took them up to bed I would read them a story or something fun but quiet like that. Once the kids were in
bed for the rest of the week, I would spend a half hour just tidying the little mess there was and the dishes from the day.
Also of an sfternoon and week-end I would sit down and play games with them like bingo that I printed sheets out from the
internet. Or maybe a computer game or some other game that I printed out from the net or one of their games that they had
already. I really hated the way it was once Melanie and the girls came because I was so worn out and worn down from the crap
they put me through that ultimately i let them put me through, I just didn't want to do anything ever. Then Friday night
I decided that it was not going to be that way anymore and then on Saturday morning I went down the shop and got some DVD's
"Bug's Life" and another kids video. I set up the DVD player in my room attached to the tiny black and white tele
and we sat there all day watching the shows they wanted to watch. There was no fighting, arguing about anything, no crying
or tantrums and we even ate our dinner all together upstairs. When Melissa came in that wasn't so much the case but it was
the best day we have had since Melanie and her friends had moved in. Even Melissa's attitude had gotten worse since they
came to stay but I didn't want to admit it, because the girls were only like 2 years older than her she thought and expected
that she should be allowed to do what they did. Melissa and I even argued more because she felt that I was letting Melanie
get away with everything, and that it meant I cared more about melanie than her and everything became a comptetion someone
had to win and someone had to loose in her eyes. And she felt that if she wasn't allowed to do something or got into trouble
or recieved consequences (Punishment, such as no tv or music or something like that) that she was losing and I was winning
and no matter how much I try to tell her it has nothing to do with winning or losing she would say that I thought that because
I was the one winning. Damn it I am so tired that I am getting paranoid about every little noise, I might have to go to bed
soon since it is 3:04am and the kids will be up in like 3 hours.
3:04am...Like I was saying before I had already made a decision that i was going to get things back to the way they
were before the Mel and her friends came to stay. And at that stage they were not showing any signs of leaving, but things
were going to change no matter what. Now that they are gone things will get completely back to the way that I want them to
be and we can get our lives back on track full on. Don't get me wrong I am extremely angry at them for what they have done
and I just can't see myself forgiving them any time soon, but with them gone it will not be as hard to get back into as it
would have with them here and that can only be a positive thing for me and the three kids. We need to be a normal family
again and not be held at ransom if you not what I mean. I was always angry because the girls were so damn lazy, Mel never
payed the money she was supposed to and the kids and I would be the ones that would miss out inthe long run. Our bills like
phone and electicity were sky high so we were always short on cash and they never took responsibility for their part of it
and it would come out of my pocket and we would be left short. They ate way more food than they ever paid for and a lot of
the time they would pig out and finish things off, they would eat the things that were specifically bought for the kids school
lunches. we would go through 21 litres of milk a week and they would leave the empty carton in the fridge and not tell anyone
and then when it was time for the kids cereal in the morning there would be none left. Plus also lately a lot of things of
gone missing or should I say had been stolen. First it was little things like my tioletries and make-up, and they would blame
Melissa. Then a full unopened packet of smokes went missing an hour after I bought them and again Mel and A blamed Melissa.
Then the next week $11 worth of scratchies went missing, yes it sound small but it was kept for when we had no money and
needed bread and milk and then Melissa was blamed yet again, and she can't even cash them in cause she is too young. then
Just last Thursday, i was getting ready for bingo and I went to check if I needed more change to play cause I knew I had $25
cash but needed to count the change and the notes were all gone. All the had left me was about $2 in change and yes you guessed
it they denied it and put the blame all on Melissa, because she got caught once trying to shoplift as she was trying to look
good for her friends. So that gave those 2 the perfect person to blame for anything that was stolen from me, I can now be
grateful that no more things of mine will be stolen and things will become normal. I know after all this upheaval it will
take a little while for things to get back to normal, but they will eventually and things will be good again and honestly
I can't wait for that to happen. I am going to go off to sleep now and maybe have a shower before I do so and leave a note
for Melissa to wake me when she gets up in the morning and she can move her stuff back to her room and Joel and Caitlin will
move to where the girls were and have their own room back. this is going to be good for everyone but especially the kids
and that is all that matters anymore. yes it has taken me a while to wake up but I am going to be back on track and I will
be the way I was before mel showed her face and begged me to let her stay that 2 days after christmas when I lives changed
for the worse until know. Speak to you later in the morning when I wake up.
Wednesday 27th April 2005.
7:15pm...Well let me tell you I have had a really bad day it started off with me waking up at 5:30am and Joel did as well
which meant I wasn't going back to sleep right away. But at 7:30am I sent Joel and Caitlin to have a shower to get ready
for school and we could go and get some tuckshop but because all was quiet I fell asleep again and no-one woke me up till
nearly half past eight and that meant we couldn't go to the shop before school because it was time for the first bell. Luckily
Melissa was staying home because they had a sports marathon on and she is not very good with sport and it was raining so there
was no use her sitting out there in the rain to watch it. So she could go down the shop just before thier lunch time and
take thier food over to them before it was time to eat.
Then I went to bingo and couldn't even get one off more than one time which for me is very unusual. Usually I would
be one off all day, but not this time. Then I took $200 over to the shop to pay off some of my bill, that part was sort of
good because my bil was finally down to $80 which is great cause usually it was still around $170 even after paying 150 -
200 so that was a bonus. Then I had $100 to play with for myself, for something for me or what ever I wanted. So I decided
I would have a go on the pokies and try and win some more not that it was a must because I had $240 put away for food and
all that sort of stuff. But the pokies ate through my money like ants through sugar, I couldn't even make half my money back
like usual and not a free spin in sight. So that fun only lasted half an hour, so I decided that I would go and do the grocery
shopping without the kids for the first time in months. Then my bad luck hit again when I got to the registers to pay for
the food. I looked in the side pocket where I had the money and it was not there, I paniced and took everything out of my
bag and it was no where to be seen. I totally lost it and felt faint and sick in the stomach what the hell were we going
to do for food for the next week. I rang everyone and place that I knew to see if we could get help, finally after no luck
I rang Centrelink to see what they could do.
They put me through to a social worker at the call center and at first it looked like they couldn't help me cause I
just got paid, and I started to panic again and asked well begged to see if there was anything they could do with the family
payment from next week, because they can't advance that payment and I had almost lost hope. then he asked me to hold on just
a minute so I waited patiently for him to come back. When he came back he told me they could bring my family payment date
forward to today but I wouldn't get it until Friday. Let me tell you my heart sank, what would we do for food until then
but then he said that they could give me $60 which is 2 days of the pension today if I could get into the office.
So of course I got the next bus in once I searched through the house for $1 for bus fare. I was so happy once it was
done that I rang Melissa and told her to ring the club and book us in for early at the all you can eat buffet. It only costs
$7.95 for each of Melissa and I, $6.50 for Caitlin and $5.50 for Joel. Before Melanie and her friends came to live with us
we use to do it every Wednesday, also since the others were with us we hardly ever went cause we couldn't afford it cause
they didn't pay their money on time or all of it and ate so much food that we never had enough money to really do it. Also
tonight we laughed, joked and had fun like we hadn't since the others had come with us because they were always complaining
and stuff like that. I feel great after the fun we had tonight at dinner and we all really enjoyed it like we hadn't in such
a long time. So I am confident that things are going to turn around from here on in. Must go is time to put Joel to bed
and do a little cleaning and then I might just be back.
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