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5:26…Well I have just gotten back from Ros’s and I fell for the crap again with Dave and we spent
intimate time together and then he stayed for dinner. We watched the kid for Ros and things seemed to be going great until
this lady he knows rang and not long after that he went stupid again and started with the crap about it can’t happen
again. I thought we were connecting and things would be okay but me was wrong. He was then going to stay the night and we
got into bed to go to sleep and he layed there for about 10 minutes and then he said he could only sleep in his own bed so
he got up and caught a cab home. Then he rang this morning cause his car was still at Ros’s house and we went and
picked him up to come get his car but Ros and Dave talked a bit about stuff and the house needing a cleaner and he didn’t
say anything to me. Then Ros and I decided to take him back to her place and that we would get the 2 older girls and we would
go and clean his place for him. When we finished she rang and told him to drive over so we could show him what we had done,
but I didn’t even get a thank you out of it, the girls and Ros got a kiss on the cheek and a thankyou. Me ,I got
nothing till a half an hour later and I got a thanks for helping clean up Karen, that would have been alright but I am Carol.
Yes I know he calls me Karen just to piss me off and it usually doesn’t bother me but this time it did. Then I
was in his car with him to take us back to Ros’s and he seemed funny and was mucking around with the kids and we
took some side detours to get home. Then once we got to Ros’s he again never said a word again and then Ros asked
him to drive me and the kids back home here and he tried to get out of it but she wouldn’t let him. Again he did
not say a word to me the whole time till we got home and then he asked about who did the lawns and then he said good-bye after
I thanked him for the lift home. I really like this guy but I don’t really know whether I should keep putting up
with the crap while I wait for to realise I am good for him and that we are god together. But there is so much going on in
his head, he really is a nice and great guy but he has these people that keep f**king with him and he is very insecure and
the last relationship really broke his heart. So now I will have to pay for that and just bide my time and be there for him
and hope for the best and hope my heart can take it.
7:22pm…Well the kids have had their dinner and are just about to go to bed and I am extremely tired, annoyed
and irritated and just want to go to sleep. My tummy feels as if it is going to burst and it is not a good feeling in the
very least. Once Melissa has had her shower and I have done this printing I will go to bed and have a great sleep.
7:43pm…Okay this computer is going extremely slow and the printing is taking forever.
8:15pm…Well I am about to head off to bed and try and get Joel to sleep so that I can crash, cause that is
all I want to do. So good night and BLESSED BE!
Monday 1st August 2005
9:22am…Well I have just gotten back from walking the kids to school and I am just checking some things on
the Internet and then I am going to organise my cleaning list for the day. Then I am going to get stuck into it cause I am
sick of the house being a mess when people show up, but mind you when it is spotless no one comes near the place. So I am
going to put some music on and just power through the cleaning and then I can relax for the rest of the week and just have
to do some top up cleaning for the rest of the time. Be back shortly after I finish updating the net things
3:42pm…Well I am trying my very best to get the holiday for Ros and the gang for as cheap as possible in
the price that is nearest to what I was I got them. Success is complete well so far any way, I have got them the 2 rooms
for $890 and that is with a pool view, so hopefully Phil doesn’t put the kybosh on it. They are saving about 450
on what I originally had for them, so now I just have to wait and see what he has to say. I am really looking forward to
this holiday since I really have never had a holiday a real one at all ever and at the moment I really need a holiday big
time.
4:30pm.. I have so had it with Melissa thinking that she can yell and scream and abusing me and thinking she can get
away with it , she think she can treat me like shit all the time. But I am afraid not. I have to sign off for a sec cause
my Internet connections just went funny on me. Now I have to switch of my computer and restart it and try again so I will
be back soon.
Tuesday 2nd August 2005
9:23am…Well I never had time to get back by the time I finished cooking dinner and getting them settled down
and then I put Joel to sleep. The only problem was that I feel asleep at 8.30 shortly after Joel did. Then to top it off
we all slept in this morning because Melissa did not bring in the phone alarm so we did not wake till nearly 8 but I still
got the kids to school so that was cool. I am on the phone with Ros now and they are coming on holiday with us and it is
going to be great. When I get of the phone I will be going to the pawnbrokers and hocking some DVD’s and my camera
to get some smokes and food just for the next day until I get paid, I hate it when this happens cause it shits me off. Dave
hasn’t said anything to Ros about anything because she had a toothache.
4:04pm…well I never got back on today because I have been out all day and didn’t get time to even
scratch myself. Trying to get a virtual tour of the mercure resort but not having much luck hopefully it won’t
take long.
4:56pm..Well here I am trying to get the Internet site at the mercure resort but it seems to be freezing now and I
am getting very impatient. About to go back and try again hopefully this time it will work. Okay it is reloading again and
then I will hopefully be able to get it up and do the virtual tour and see the rooms and the Gecko club to se what they are
about. This time it is taking a real long time to load but I hope that does not mean that I have to restart my computer yet
again.
5:50pm…Okay I shut down the computer and restarted again and connected to the internet and then only opened
1 browser of internet explorer and nothing else and hey presto it worked and only took about 30 seconds to start the virtual
tour and I just loved it. The rooms are great and quite spacious for a queen size bed and single with a trundle bed. The
beds are all on one side with the microwave , toaster, kettle and little bar fridge and mirror and side interconnecting door
and then the television and long bench and dresser drawers are on the other side. The top and part of the side of the wall
are a really nice darkish purple colour and wooden sideboard on the rest of the walls, and the carpets are a different shade
of purple and they are gorgeous. The shower and bathroom are just as you walk in the door and the rooms are long and then
you have a table and two chairs and then sliding glass doors the open to a balcony with two patio chairs and patio tables.
Ros’s room’s are interconnecting and have patio’s that are over looking the pool and mine is
over looking the main road and the beach.
6:12pm…Okay mum just rang but had to hang up because there was someone trying to get through but she can’t
use her call waiting so she hung up. It was Lynda on the other line so she said she would ring back her later, and rang me
back but then some else was trying to get through to her so she hung up and now I am waiting for her to ring me back but that
was about 10 minutes ago, so I will just wait. I really can’t wait to go on this holiday and when we pay the money
tomorrow I know it is no longer just a dream but is reality. I have been waiting for so long to be able to have a real holiday,
something that I have never ever had, and it will be heavenly and just want to enjoy it to the best of everything. I have
had some guarana this arvo and am really feeling an energy buzz because I have not had any Guarana for at least 2 or 3 weeks,
so I am feeling great. I plan on doing an all nighter to get this place cleaned up and maybe change the rooms out here around
because I haven’t found places or positions for them that really makes me feel comfortable. The only bit of furniture
in the lounge and dining room is the way I have my computer desk and book shelves in the corner of the room. Once I have
found some way for everything that feels comfortable then it will be so much easier for me to keep clean and make me feel
comfortable in myself.
6:31pm…I had to go off and do some more chips because these kids eat like pigs I swear, I was originally
going to buy $8 chips and a loaf of bread, which would have been the same price as what it cost to buy potatoes and oil and
I wouldn’t have to have been cooking over the stove for about an hour now and I hate that cause I am still cooking
and they still have not finished cooking yet so here I go again. I just put another lot of chips on after I took one lot
off and there are at least another 2 lots to go on and I still haven’t eaten.
7:06pm…Okay mum rang and she told me that she has not got any results until tomorrow, then I am going to
ring her and find out what is going to happen from there. Also she is going to meet me at Moorooka to get my e-bay things
and then she is going to take the things back to her place so they are in safe hands while we are away and then she is going
to ask Lynda to bring them over if I give her some petrol money which saves me from having to lug all the stuff home. I can
get Ros’s stuff and the things I want from the stuff and bring it back with me. It saves on time and then people
don’t see me bringing all this stuff inside and then going away and giving them any temptation to try and break
into the house and loose it all. I am going to bring home some of the make-up, rings and make-up bags and maybe one of each
trinket home to have a squiz at and know exactly what I have. I am so excited about everything that is happening and going
for me right now, and to top it off I won a 7 day pass at a gym that I am starting up after our holiday and hopefully it will
be the right gym for me and that it can help me loose weight and get fit and healthy. I am so buzzing I just love the guarana
and the energy buzz and I am feeling quite motivated at the same time, I need to get on the net again and check out some cleaning
regimes that I can use to get me on the way tonight.
8:44pm…Well Joel is in bed asleep as is Caitlin and I think that Melissa is about to go to bed I think, well
she is on the phone to Jayde and yes good stuff she is hanging up now and going to bed. Okay I am going to try and get on
the internet and go to ebay and see what ever else I have won cause there is something else on my page and I am not sure what
item it is. Also I want to put all this journal writing on to my page here cause I think I am falling behind, so I am off
to do that now.
9:48pm...Okay I have updated now so know I can go back to the e-bay site now this is where I am right now, so I will
update and upload again on Friday but I will still have something to post for each day.
11:11pm…okay Joel woke up again so I had to go and lay down again with him until he fell off to sleep again.
The when I came out there was a message on the computer asking if I would except an incoming call but I wasn’t
out here, so I did the *10# thing and found out it was Ros calling. Since it was 10.30 at night I thought I had better ring
her back cause it is not usual to ring me that late for her anyway. When I rang I found out that they had just had the ambulance
out there for Timmy cause his temperature was 38.9 and he would not have his medicine so they had to force him to have it
and then wait an hour to make sure that his temperature had gone down. When she rang me they were just leaving but she wanted
to let me know what was going on, cause in the morning she would have to take him to the doctors before she came to pick me
up. And that she wasn’t going to T.A.F.E. because Timmy would be home all day and that she was still coming to
pick me up and that she didn’t know yet what time it would be. But I told her not to worry that I would be home
at 9am and would wait for her whenever she got here. I just came up with a brain wave right now, since she is not going to
T.A.F.E. that I might ask her to drive me to Moorooka to pick up the stuff. Then she could take me to mums to drop of the
stuff and then come home. Cause I figured because she has the car if I give her some petrol money she may just do it since
she does not have anything else that she really has to do. But it is up to her, if she wants to then great all round we get
our stuff and she can get to meet my mum, and if she doesn’t want to then it doesn’t matter then I can
just go over on Thursday no biggie, just an idea. It would be a nice drive and we could have lunch and see my mum and see
how she is doing after the results of her tests. I found out what the other thing was that I won on e-bay it was the 1000
purple string cords for the pendants that I already have. But worse luck I missed out on the car by a lousy $5 and I am really
pissed off because it was a good one and it would be great if I have a car before we go on holidays cause then maybe Ros could
drive it down there. Actually what ever car I win I am letting Ros have the use of it until I can get my open licence to
drive it myself, but I have to get the car first. I am going back on the net right now to see how the other cars I am watching
are going because I am not going to miss out on another good car like the last ford fairlane that I lost. By a lousy $5 f**king
it, I hate that, it is happening every time but no more. I love the ebay because it is so easy to use I you can get some
real bargains in the process, but also I have started to sell some stuff like candles and flower pots. But I have 14 items
on the web, 1 has sold and 3 are pending and 1 no show, but I am going now to see how they are all going and whether to list
them again.
Wednesday 3rd August 2005
12:45am…Well here it is finally Wednesday and pay day and here I am on the net already building up some more
spending , when I am about to pick up my other stuff from the same e-bay dealer. My Internet connection is going quite slow
at the moment so it will start playing up soon. So soon I will turn the computer and the Internet off, and have a shower
to wake myself up and get into the house cleaning before I loose momentum and energy that I have built up.
7:27pm…Well I never did get back on after the net, because Joel woke up and then it took quite a while
to get him off to sleep and I fell asleep and did not wake up until it was half past 6 , so the whole plans of the night went
right down the drain. Me and the girls haven’t had any dinner yet, but Joel did because he does not eat nachos
so he gets to have something different. Caitlin is such an ungrateful little piece of work, I bought her about $250 to $300
worth of good clothe for the holiday and some school clothes when I went out shopping. Then when we went food shopping I
bought her another toy, then she asked for something else in the shops and I said no and she started I never get anything.
I reminded her about the clothes I bought her and she replied with “I didn’t ask you for them”
what the hell is that. Then just a minute ago I asked her to open the door and fed the cat and she started cracking a tantrum
about being scared and why couldn’t Melissa do it. Mind you Melissa is there grating the 500g of cheese for our
dinner and I pointed that out to her and she kept carrying on so I gave her a good smack, nothing else seems to work. I don’t
care what other people say, nothing else has done it, she treats me like shit al the time and never listens to me. She always
argues with me when I ask her to do something, and always try’s to use an excuse to get out of it. I have completely
had it with her and the shit she pulls enough is enough and I am going to be so strict she won’t be game to move
without permission. I’m not going to bash her or anything silly like that but from now on I am going to be very
firm with her until she shows respect and behaves.
Thursday 4th August 2005
7:31am…Well I didn’t get back on last night because I was extremely tired and just wanted to curl up
in bed and watch television. And that is exactly what I did and fell asleep along the way cause I was worn out something
bad. I am about to take the kids to school and then get the stuff to set up for the puppies to be outside. Then after I
do that I am getting in to cleaning up and sorting where I want everything in the house and restack the food cupboards and
the fridge from all the shopping I did yesterday, so I had better go and get a start on all of the day.
9:01am…Well I just got home from taking the kids to school and getting the wire for the dogs and some guarana
so I have the energy to do the cleaning and stuff. Okay I am going to put on a load of washing and then come back and type
out a list of cleaning stuff that I want to and have to get done and then get stuck into the cleaning while listening to some
music. I don’t know whether I am going to listen to country on Foxtel or put the Corrs CD in the windows media
player, I am just going to go with the flow. I feel good because I just found out Dave is going to come and spend the week-end
with us on the holiday and he was asking how I am and that can only be a good sign, I am just loving life and all that is
in it at the moment. But I am not going to get to far ahead of myself at the moment, when he finally tells me or at least
admits to himself how he feels. So here I go of to do the washing the list and the cleaning catch up with you soon.
9:43…Okay here we go I have done the list of chores and have already put a load of washing in the machine.
I can’t do the dogs run until the kids get home cause Joel has hidden the god damn hammer and I end that to put
the pegs in the ground. I am buzzing with energy and motivation cause I had 2 heavy strength guarana tablets and then there
is the buzz of the stuff with Dave so I am off to a good start and loving every minute and I know that when I have finished
doing all the cleaning I will feel even better than I do now. So of I go know and get stuck into this list of chores cause
it is al broken down. Broken down into every little detail and that makes 60 things on my list of things to do, so the quicker
I start the quicker it finishes.
10:41…Shit me dead my little nail just broke half way down my nail and didn’t break off now it
is killing me and I have to file it down and it is really hard to do.
10:50.. Se it took me 10 minutes to file that little shit down to the finger so that I don’t keep knocking
it cause shit it stung. Okay back to the cleaning now.
12:13pm…Cool that is the kitchen totally cleaned out, food cupboards and fridge and all and I feel great
but after this short smoke break I have to get into the loungeroom and catalogue room. This is a huge job, I just want to
get it all done before I have to go the doctors but the rest of the stuff I can do after the kids have gone to sleep tonight
when I have the whole night ahead of me and I will feel even better. I haven’t felt this good for a while and I
have been letting the housework get on top of me and the kids haven’t been doing any of their chores. Well I should
say I have been letting them and that is going to be no more, from now on when they get home they will sit down and do their
homework for at least half an hour. Then they will get into their chores before they even get a glance on the television
once this house is completely clean those rules will be put in place an they will not break them. Okay I am still on break
for a little then into the clean or I may make a little cleaning while I at the table
3:32pm…Okay I got what I needed but she did a breast exam and she found some small cysts and she is sending
me for a mammogram and ultrasound. My appointment is at 10.30 tomorrow morning and I have to admit I am a little worried
about it but the doctor said she does not think there is anything to worry about. This will give them something to keep a
track of once these are done, so they will be ahead of the ball. But I feel good because I have gotten the kitchen, loungeroom
and catalogue room done before the kids got home so that is great. These kids are already starting to eat we wont have any
food left by the end of the week-end and I got over $500 worth of food just yesterday afternoon, and it really doesn’t
look like it because I have used 3 big cupboards to put it al in. I’m going to go on the Internet and see what
is happening with the items bought from me on e-bay and see when they are putting the payments in and when I have to get the
items to them
5:12pm…Okay I just did the first step of changing my hair colour, the blonding base cream is now in and
will come out when I can see that the other colour and my natural have been striped. Then later on this evening I will separate
the front fringe and the front sides and tie them up with bands and then cover with cling wrap and foil and another band.
I will also separate about eight separate parts over the back and sides and do the same as the front and then put blue black
over the rest that hasn’t been separated. Then after that has come out I will untie the separated parts and put
5 of them with the purple and three with the blue. Also I will put the purple on the fringe and one of the sides and the
other side I will put the brazen blue. Then it will be the new and fresh me well the start of it anyway, I still have to
fix my nails al up, redo the ones that have fallen off. And I will take the polish of the others and fill in the gaps and
then I will put some more polish on them, the new one I bought. Then I have to stick with my slimist program and organise
an exercise program and get the new exercise room in order. I figure if it is set up then I will tend to use it more. Also
I will have the motivation to do exercise while I am watching television of a day and night and even listen to music while
I am doing it. I am serious about getting into shape and getting fit and healthy and becoming the new me. And NO I am not
doing this to get Dave, I have been thinking and procrastinating about this for a very long time. Dave has just given me
the extra incentive to get it started, but ultimately it is al for me and my well-being and growth. I need to feel good about
me and love me in the first place before anyone else can try to and for me to be able to accept it and return the love. I
need to go and do tea while I am waiting for the colour to change in my hair so things go to my plan.
6:02pm…Okay the blonde stripper has worked and my hair is real blond at the roots where my re-growth is
and very bronze and golden toned all over the rest. But it is great for a base for all the other colours that I am putting
in later tonight, But I am going to blow dry it and give it a little rest before the other colours.
6:19pm…Okay just dried my hair and it is the first step of my plan perfectly to a tee and I am feeling really
good and want to get into the next step but I have to finish doing and eating dinner. Chips take so god damn long to cook
in that god damn small pot I have for them. I really need to buy a deep fryer or chip cooker or something like that, but
I may try to do the separating the bits that aren’t going to be the blue black. I am getting so excited about the
new look my hair is going to be and the start of the new me. Yippee.
6:34pm…I have done the separating of the front and the front sides and I will do some more when I have put
the next lot of chips in the fryer pot and then we will have some dinner. Then as soon as Joel has gone to sleep I can continue
on with the rest of my hair and exercise stuff and I am so excited, I can’t wait to see the final result.
6:48pm.. Yes I know I am all over the place but I want to keep things up to date and there is so much going on in
my head that I just want to get out of my head and onto paper. So as soon as I have finished dinner and finished separating
the last seven parts of my hair and got the blue black major base in and I will put all this stuff on the web page and then
I can get these 3 or so pages out of my computer and up where it can stay and there is no chance of me losing it. I really
am excited about all this because I have been thinking and talking about all this stuff and improving myself for the betterment
of myself and then in turn making it better for my kids. If I am happier then my kids will be happier, and if I am fitter
and healthier then I can do more things with them because I will have more energy. Which will make it better all around,
then if I love myself and my life then someone else may love me. But also I am excited and anxious to see the look on Dave’s
face when he sees my hair and then when he sees how much weight that I am going to loose once I get into this exercise regime
and al the other stuff that I have been thinking about for so god damn long. This food is so damn yummy but I don’t
want to eat too much cause it is rather oily, but after tonight other than when we have the steak but other wise it is going
to good stuff. Like lots of vegetables and fresh fruit and as much raw food as I can eat, and since I have the blender and
processor it will make things so much easier to put together. I am going to cut right down on the coke as well to only 3
cans or cups a day and at least 2L of water and then juice the rest of the time. If I want to loose weight I have to do it.
I am even going to look on the Internet and see if I can find some useful sights to give me tips and motivation I have to
have. That is something that I am going to do right after I have re-started the computer and got it running again.
8:36pm…Okay Joel and Caitlin are in bed asleep and I have finished separating my hair into blueblack parts
and the colours, so I am just having a little break before I put the colour in. I am a little worried about putting the black
in my hair cause I have to get Melissa to help me put it in so that I don’t get it on the parts I need to keep blonde
in tact. Cause otherwise I can’t get the purple and blue colours in and then I will be pissed off. I need to go
in and put the cling wrap and the foil on the separated parts, so that I can get into the doing the black colour. I want
to do it al, but I have to watch these DVD’s before they come to pick them up tomorrow arvo and I still won’t
get to see Alfie cause it is still at Ros’s and I won’t get that back until tomorrow some time. Ros is
already counting down the nights left til our holiday I think she is a little excited as well, cause she gets to have a break
as well and that is all good. I am going to miss going to Ros’s this week-end for 2 reasons, 1 because I will miss
the adult company and 2 because I won’t get to see Dave and I just want to see him right now. I crave to se him
and feel his touch on my skin, when he touches me it makes me tingle al over in the most wonderful way, okay of to do the
foil and cling wrap thing.
9:17pm…Okay all the foil and cling wrap is done now for the tricky part putting the blue black around the
foiled areas and I am a little scared but I want it so badly. But it shouldn’t go wrong because I have it wrapped
up pretty tight and it shouldn’t be too runny at least I think so. I am going to try and do as much of it as I
can on my own, that should be a fair bit, but I know that right at the middle back and back I will need Melissa’s
help so that it goes up to the edges. My feet are killing me cause I have been on them al day and I have to do just a little
more yet so I can rest completely until it is al done. I am going to try the internet again and see if I can get the sights
up that I want cause I want some more games and ringtones for my new phone. Cause this is the first phone that I have been
able to download onto my phone.
11:34pm…Okay the second step is done but it did run a little bit but not to bad that it will wreck the rest,
well at least I hope not. I am going to have a smoke break and then I will put the purple and blue through the blonde bits
that are in the bands. I am still nervous about how it will turn out but I am hopeful that it does because I want it so much.
I have to read the instructions for them to see how long each has to be in to achieve maximum colour and brightness. Okay
the purple says 15-30 minutes and now how about the blue is 30 minutes so I can leave both for that time. I want to do it
straight away, but my arms and me need a bit of a rest before I do it, and then I will do tonight’s dishes from
dinner and neaten up the loungeroom. Then when I finish that I will move the exercise stuff to where I want them and then
I might start folding the clothes up and getting them ready to put in the rooms in the morning. I’m going to have
a shower first though when I rinse out the purple and blue in the blonde bits. Okay I am going to do it right now, put the
colour in that is, I am feeling quite tired but I can not go to sleep until I get some things done and my hair.
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