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9:05pm... Well it has been a while since I have written anything, that is what happens when you move house and stuff your
computer up slightly in the process. And yes since I have no idea how to fix a computer I had to wait until I had saved enough
money to get it in working order again. Though now that It is up and runing I wil be putting a new entry in at least every
2 days and there is so much to catch you's up on with all that has gone on since we last spoke. I have someone pulling out
all stops to make my life a living hell, they have made false claims to the department of families, which have been put to
rest and not founded. I really hate that the department i s hassling me again and that is what the person wants because they
know of my distrust and fears that are associated with the department in the first place. I have found out who my real friends
are, I have moved house that you know, I have changed my hair and am in the process of trying to loose wieght, and have been
a non-smoker for 6 days now. Yes it is hard not smoking, I am chewing a hell of a lot of chewing and bubble gum and trying
everything to try and keep my hands busy and just get few the next few days and week and those habit times and cravings for
smoking should be mostly past or at least the hardest part will be over. Yes I am back and raving on a mile a minute and
not coming up for air, but you get that.
10:03...WEll I am on the net doing some downloading, I have just done a group of star charts, and 1 bingo set from the
printable site. I am trying to find some more printable games since I bought a black cartridge for the printer and everything
is up and running so I am doing it all while I can and have ink. My internet connection is going to log me off in an half
hour because it does that automatically when it hits the 5 hour mark. I love that I am back on the net and catching up on
all the stuff I have been missing over the last 5/6 weeks. I am not sure whether I will get back on once it logs me off,
but I will write some more tomorrow and try to think of the things that I need to catch you up on not that there really has
been that much going on but I'l think about it.
Friday 8th July 2005.
2:43pm...Well it has been a long day and I am very tired and just want to sleep but the kids will be home soon and there was
things that needed to be done, and they need to be done. I am going to start cutting out the games and puzzles, so that we
can have a nice peaceful week-end since Melissa has gone over to a friends place for a birthday slumber week-end. I didn't
go to the club this arvo because I refuse to be miserable because Julie is there making life real shitty for me. I hate it
when my gutt feelings turn out to be right. S**T I have to write out my new moon wishes for this month because there is not
much time left. Be back tonight once the kids have gone to bed.
Saturday 9th July 2005
5:47pm...I am driving myself absolutely nuts, I have a massive crush on Phil's friend Dave, I feel like such a teenager and
a loser having a crush on a guy at my age. Plus what makes it worse is he most likely doesn't know I'm alive, and he is way
out of my league and has plenty of beautiful woman chasing him and I am fat and damn ugly. he's just amazing but I can't
put my finger on what exactly it is that I find attractive about him, But I am. Yes he is an absolute hottie and I am absolutely
nottie. I will be alone for the rest of my god damn awful life. I know no matter what I will never be a thought of me on
Dave's mind for my life. I had only just come to the realisation that I wil be alone for the rest of my life and then I meet
Dave. But the first time I met him I didn't really notice him because my mind was other places. But then I found him attractive
and began to torture myself no end, and fantasize about this guy that will never even notice me and sure as hell would never,
ever find me attractive, the way I find him. I just have to realize that fantasy can be fine but I shouldn't get my hopes
on it and I just stuff myself up big time and I hate it. I feel like shit and a little depressed and lonely.
Sunday 10th July 2005
7:42...Well I am home now and still not feeling positive about anything I just feel as if the universe is against me.
But I refuse to let it all get me and I am going to take steps to better myself. Starting 2morrow I am going to get up early
and do the exercise program from the W channel on foxtel which is on about 5 or 6 am. I am trying to stop myself from thinking
about Dave, I know that he will only ever be a fantasy, but right know I am feeling quite peckish and need something to munch
on.
8:27...Well I just had a couple of pieces of peanut butter toast, a hot chocolate and some biscuits and am feeling
filled up. After tonight I have to stop eating more than one meal a day. I have just found a site that allows you to send
5 free email messages a day from the computer and it has phone friends and flirts and then ringtones and al that sort of stuff.
I am so damn tired and want to go to sleep but there is a lot of stuff that I need to get done and not a lot of energy or
time.
8:52...Wel I am going to sign off now and get some sleep. I don't give a shit about what anyone thinks. The house
is a little messy because we have been away for the wek-end and got home late this afternoon. Then I had to get dinner, and
then I had to search through our close and find our PJ's and stuff. I am so damn tired that if I don't get to sleep I will
be no good for the kids in the morning, so that I have to clean up after the kids go to school so people just have to deal
with it. The week-end takes it's toll on the house you can't run around cleaning after them all day because nothing else
would get done. Plus to top it of I am getting a sore throat and a cough so it is better to get some sleep rather than get
sick all over again. Seee and chat with you all tomorrow.
Blessed Be!
Wednesday 13th July 2005
10:33pm…..Well here I am coughing my guts up and dying and yet still I am here cleaning my ass of because I have
been sick for 3 days now and nothing has been done to clean up but what I have puled myself out of my death bed to do. I
hate having a messy house and it seems as if people only come over or visit when the place is out of order, because I have
been sick, or the kids have only just left for school and I haven’t got round to the morning mess yet. I mean the
house is no where near as bad as it was when we first moved in and I had been with a flu for a couple of weeks and not al
the stuff was unpacked yet. I had been put to bed for 3 days to relieve the swelling in my lower back region and these damn
kids won’t lift a god damn finger to help clean up that is too much work. They have a roster of chores and they
nhaven’t done them since I wrote them up a couple of weeks ago, So this arvo I said they were not to watch tele
if they didn’t do their jobs. And guess what Caitlin started her bawling and whinging trick so she got sent to
bed, Melissa said she was going to do them at 7.30 so because her bed time is 9;30 I thought maybe she could have the benefit
of the doubt that she would do it. 7:30 came and then she said as soon as she had ice-cream she would do them, yes she sort
of started to do them but only did them half heartedly. Instead of doing things properly she would just go around what ever
was in her way. And if you aren’s going to do it properly then she might as well go to bed and not do it, because
I would have to end up doing it anyway. I am not giving into the girls anymore, if they can’t do their chores properly
how I’ve shown them and do them before they watch any television, then they won’t be watching tele for
a long time. I will not be taking their crap anymore, they can not speak to me any way they like, or swear at me, or talk
over me or talk back to me, they will not be allowed to get away with it anymore. I am so sick of yelling all the time, yes
I have said that before but with having a extremely sore throat and it ripping my throat out every time I yel or even speak
even a little loud. I can’t continue this way and other people need to keep out of it, as parents we realy have
no rights anymore and the government and the like give the children the power and they damn wel know it and play on it. Especially
since they know I could not bare to loose them to the department again, they use it to blackmail me and I have let them until
now but I won’t have that anymore full stop.
11:32pm...Well the kitchen is completely spotless other than the floor needing a mop and one last load of dishes, and
that will be that. I am wanting to change the loungeroom around and make it feel a little more comfortable and homey. I
just wish I could cut my throat out cause it is killing me and if I wasn’t so sick and tired of this place being
messy I would be in bed right now I tel you that. Yes even though I am sick as a dog, I feel better in myself as the house
gets just that little bit cleaner, but I wil not allow their rooms to be my responsibility or get to me. I am going to take
care of the kitchen, lounge, tiolet, laundry and bathroom tonight and then it should be to hard for even them to keep clean
while I am sick, and once it is finally done then I won’t feel so pissed off at this god damn place. These kids
don’t care if they live in a pig sty but I damn well do, I went into Melissa’s room just before and there
in the top of her cupboard and duchess were at least a half dozen dirty disgusting cups and plates, dispite the fact they
are not to have food or drinks in their rooms because they can’t be trusted to bring them out. Then there is Caitlins
room where unless I tel her too or I do it myself the floor never gets cleaned and her clothes were just put all over the
place and she just won’t make her bed. Yes I know it sems as if I complain a lot and don’t seem to do
anything, but I do but it just doesn’t work with them no matter what, I have tried grounding, I have tried beng
extra nice, I have tried asking them to do it nicely. I have taken away privileges like tele and music and stuff, doing things
with them and even helping them out but it doesn’t work. So from now on I am just going to stick to what I say
, not giving in even a little and being continuous and consistant and all having the same rules. Though what gets me the
most is that Joel is 6 years old and he does more cleaning up around the house than the girls, who are 9 and 14, he even cleans
his room on his own and Caitlin complains that she has no one to help. Okay I have to get deciding on how I am going to change
this room around and I will be back tomorrow early morning.
Thursday 14th July 2005
1:04am...Well Joel has just woken up so I have to go lay with him until he goes back to sleep which I hope doesn’t
take long because I have nearly finished changing the lounge around and then I just have to put the videos away in order,
then give the floor a sweep. Then I will tidy the toilet and clean and scrub the bathroom floor and make it nice and clean
to have a bath in, in the morning. I am going to have some cough mixture and then lay down with Joel so I can get back out
here and finish what I have started.
1:55am...I hate this nearly an hour later and he is still not asleep again yet, The only night in the last week or so
and Joel has to wake up, the other nights though when I have been coughing my guts up and not doing anything and he didn’t
even budge. It just seems to go that way all the time, but I am not giving up or giving in because I want my house to be
nice and clean and tidy the way it should be, the way I really like it to be. The way the lounge is now it is not so large
and roomyish that it will get cluttered from lost of stuff because there is so much room. I will be nice and cosy and we won’t
have to strain our eyes to watch Tele. I have to move the boxes of rubbish out some time very soon and get Melissa to move
it round the back of the house behind the chicken shed room what ever you want to call it. Just as long as it is out of the
house and out of sight and not looking so damn untidy, okay am going to start the video’s and get them done so I
can do the area where the boxes are and have the place real nice and homey.
3:43am...Okay the lounge is all finished, the same with the kitchen, all the boxes of rubbish is moved and the dining
room looks great and that is where we will be eating our meals from now on. I have also done the toilet and cleaned out the
bathroom all I have to do is mop the floor in there. Also because I want to sweep I am going to tidy Joel’s room
a little and put his clothes in his cupboard since he can’t do it really on his own. I will also neaten the toys
so that I can sweep his room when I sweep the rest of the house. I am having a short break and let my body rest cause I am
starting to cough a bit and my throat is really starting to hurt again and I am having to work to get a good breathe. It
just feels so good to see my house clean like it is, my room is another story, and the girls are responsible for their own
rooms and if the department has any problems with that they can tell the girls that they need to keep their own rooms clean.
I am not their slave and it is not for me to have to run around after them all the time. There really is no choice about
the rest of the house cause I have to look at it al the time and I hate living in a mess so that is something that I can not
let go but there rooms. Well they have to look at it and live in it ultimately, it is up to them but I will still keep pushing
them and telling them to clean up their rooms cause that is part of their chores. So if their rooms aren’t clean
then they don’t get to watch television or even have desert or anything like that. They will learn one way or the
other and they aren’t going to hold this crap over me any more full stop, okay time for a little break and then
do the finishing touches. Then when morning hits I can see my beautiful clean house upon everyone waking which is something
I haven’t had since we moved from the old house. See you soon.
6:08...well the house is done and I am going to have a shower soon and then get dressed and then have some breakfast
with the kids and then I am not sure yet, I have to think about it. At the moment first though I am putting all my bids in
for the next 24 hours of auction at sunrise, and see how I go. But for some reason I can't find al the ones that I am watching
only 10 are showing at the moment for some reason which I am yet to figure out. I am going to try and find them right now,
and then think about what to do today, I might ring Ros and see if she feels like going to Bingo today, if not I will go to
Bingo any way and have a go. The House is clean and there really is nothing else that I need to do today and I ain't spending
my day waiting round for the department to show up, I am not at their beck and call, so I will have a think and see where
I go or what I feel like doing after I have had my shower.
6:46am...I am just about to message Ros and se what she is up to today so I had better publish this before she rings
and then I loose all of the writing for the last 2 days and I won't be happy in the very least.
8:24am… Well I swear to god, I just want to pull Caitlin's head off. I asked her to put some boxes of rubbish
in the bin and she started bawling cause 1 just 1 of the boxes was biggish, she couldn’t just take the others out
and then say the other was too big. But no she had to start crying and refusing to take any out because of the one box.
I asked her to clean her room and she started to cry again, it doesn’t matter what it is she cries about it. Yet
when she cries it isn’t just a little whinge she howl’s like she is being bashed and it is just because
she doesn’t want to do something or she isn’t allowed to do something. So this morning I smack her on
the back of her legs and said she now had a reason to cry. I was just at my wits end and I have rang the school to organise
an appointment with the guidance counsellor, as I don’t know what to do about her crying and her rudeness of talking
while others are talking. Interrupting people at home and in class and speak back to me all the time as well as the teacher.
She also argues with me all the time as she does with the teacher at school and she is never wrong as far as she is concerned.
Then she thinks that because one person does or doesn’t do something then that give her the okay to do the same.
Both her and Melissa are both bad at putting the oh well she doesn’t do it so why should I have to and the like
and I am don’t know where to turn any more. I am sick of people thinking that I am the bad guy in this situation,
when I let them get away with so much and they treat me like dirt on the street all the time. Sue and peter use to hit Caitlin
al the time when she didn’t do as she was told. I never hit her and even just getting told of she cries like a
banshee, just like when she doesn’t want to do something or can’t get her own way or what she wants.
She makes it sound as if I am the one that is in thew wrong. Then Melissa swears at me al the time, talks back to me al the
time, doesn’t do what I ask her and if she doesn’t get what she wants she will crack a major tantrum.
Where she will swear and curse at me, tell me how I have wrecked her life, how I never let her do anything and how hard done
by she is, but she expects to get and do everything. Yet she will not lift a finger unless we have a huge argument about
it, or she wants something or to go somewhere. Like when the department came around when I was sick and the place was a mess
cause she wouldn’t get off her arse and help me she told them that she would help me out more. Mind you that only
lasted maybe 2 days tops and she went back to normal, I mean I have no one for support and I am all alone. And doing the
best I can and things only get worse when the department start sniffing around cause they think that they won’t
have any consequences. They know I am and have not been strong when it comes to their punishment and chores and stuff , and
that is why they act the way they do so I need to get tough and stick to it with no bending what so ever. If I have to be
strict with them to get them to behave like normal children, then that is what I am going to have to do. But it will only
work if no one else interferes or undermines me in any way otherwise it will be useless, cause they will carry on like this
al over again. I need support not people telling me I should or shouldn’t do this or that, or I’m doing
it the right or wrong way, I just want someone to support me on the decisions I make. I really am sick and tired of yelling
at Caitlin all the time and having Melissa swear at me and not listening. I was not like this before they came home and I
sure as hell don’t want to stay like this, it’s driving me nuts and I will end up in the loony bin.
I want to live a peaceful life with no yelling or screaming, no arguing or swearing, everybody getting along and being happy
together, working together to keep the place clean and being respectful of each other as well as their belongings. Caring
about everyone in the house, looking out for each other and not being selfish little brats.
9:03am… I just love this peace and quiet, it is so damn relaxing and I can make believe for just a little
while that everything is fantastic. And that we don’t have a care in the world, and to feel that way for even just
a few minutes is so great so damn lovely. I always use to think if it was quiet then it was boring but is a complete other
thing , so far away from boring, it is the best feeling in the world at this very moment.
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