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10:06pm... here I am and io am shitfaced big time. Well not that abd. I am listening to Bat out of Hell Nio 2. And i am loving
it and singing aong.
I will be back later on when this album is over,
February 14th 2007 Wednesday
i:32PM...Well life suxs big time, and I am regretting the decisions that I have made over the last 6 months, because nothing
is how I thought it would be. We are already getting kicked out of our house because the owners want it back, and there is
nowhere else here in Bruce Rock for us to go. The only place even close to here that we can get a house in the next few weeks
through homeswest at Merredin, which is 45kms from here which means I could not do my cleaning job at the club because I wont
be able to get here to do it. And it is most likely that I won't be able to babysit or clean or anything for Suzie because
we are the other way than they usually go and thier boys are in school here in Bruce Rock.
So it is turning out that I will be no better off than I was in Brisbane, no extra money coming in, the kids will
have to get use to a completely different school and teachers and a whole new routine. Then we have to get to know people
all over again, not that we know many people here but at least there is people I can say hi to and all that. But in Merredin,
we will have a big lot of shops, and there will be more chance to socialise and become part of the community somehow. People
wont be so close knit and I may actually get some friends, and I am trying my best to put a positive side to having to move,
but then I will also have to get furniture and all that stuff that i don't have and will have to start all over again.
I'm just not sure I can handle all this shit that is going on at the moment, I just feel like giving up and ending
it all, it even seems as if Suzie wants me to move out of town that I am more of a hassle than a help. I feel aws if I have
thrown my whole life away on the decisions that I made, from the information I had from others that things would all be great
here and it has been far from that for most of the time that we have lived here. I have been depressed for a long time now
and I haven't been able to get out of it, and all this shit happening doesn't help matters either.
No more big decisions on the say so of other people ever again, sometimes I think that I am better off alone with no
friends because I always seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to friendships. I'm not sure that I can handle
that anymore it just always seems to happen, I end up feeling used and depressed like I am useless and worthless and that
just feeds my depression. I have some major decisions to make about my future and the future of my children, cause we can
no longer live in this state of unknowing and having our fate left in the hands of others. I just want to be happy for once
in my life and have some stability in some way for my kids they deserve better than this crap that is happening. Also they
are the ones that feel it and deal with it when I am out of sorts, depressed, angry, frustrated, paranoid and confused. I
have to be the one to put a stop to it, I have to become more assertive and not let people walk all over top of me and become
stronger. Well I am going to sign off now and try and destress a bit before the kids come home, so I am going to relax and
play solitaire cards for a bit, then I have to go to the school for a parent teacher meeting with Caitlyn's teacher.
Blessed Be! to all
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