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8:28am…Well here I am wishing that I had could just sleep the day away cause I’ve just had the shits with
everything and just want to throw it all in and just say f**k it all and give it up. No matter how much I better my life
or do to better it I will never be able to get away from the past mistakes, they will always be bringing it up and I will
never get away from the past and that makes me pissed off and ready to give in. But that means that I have let them win the
department that is and that would piss me off more than anything so it is a no win situation for me as far as I can see it.
One day in maybe another time and place they will leave me alone, I’ve even thought about moving to Perth just to
get away from the assholes and have a normal life. I know I sound a little down and depressed and defeated but I am not,
well not totally anyway, it’s just that they seem to strip away all my self confidence when they butt into my life
like this. Plus Centrelink is really pissing me off with the waiting for this supplement and not knowing how much or when
this money is going to the bank so this sucks. Okay I saved our holiday reservation cause it was cancelled yesterday but
they put it back in and it is all back on again thank goodness or I would be devastated to have lost that holiday that I have
been longing for. Well I need to have a shower and get changed, then get stuck into the cleaning up and get this place spotless
like I like it. Melissa was home yesterday because of certain things so she promised to clean the house for me cause I had
work and stuff but again she did not do a single thing but sit on her arse and watch Tele. I have to do it now but I need
to freshen up and get some breaky and get some energy and motivation going, so I will be back after I have done all that needs
to be done. I hate things being messy even a little and I need to get some clothes washing done as well. Catch you soon
and Blessed Be!.
12:48…Well I have done the lounge, the kitchen and the toilet and bathroom, swept, done the dishes and watered
the plants, also done 2 loads of washing and that is only just so far, I still have to clean out the dog poop in the laundry
and tidy up the clothes in their. Then I can do some more loads of washing and then I can take a rest. But before then I
have to take the potting mix out and putting it out in the garden so then when the veggie’s are shooting I can transplant
them into a well prepared garden bed, I had better get on to that before time gets away.
7:40pm…Well I didn’t get back on after I finished the cleaning, because I had to have rest and then
the kids came home and I didn’t get a chance to get back and give you an update of what I was up to. The kids
are all in their beds except Joel is asleep on the lounge because I want to watch INXS Rockstar before I go to bed and it
is only on Foxtel and I can’t get that on the Tele in my room. I am going of to bed after the show because Law and
Order is on normal Tele in my room and I am very tired it has been a big day and it gets that way with cleaning and stuff
like that. Sleep Tight and Blessed Be!
Friday 23rd July 2005
6:02am… Well I have gotten up early so that I can do some exercise , cause I really do want to loose some weight
and get fit and this seems like a real good start, so here goes. It seems to have started on a weird thing but I will try
and do it anyway. They are talking about losing weight at the moment with the crunch challenge, I have to take the measurement
around my belly button and then the biggest part of the Butt area, and well here we go. Okay that is one set of 10-15 minute
exercises, it felt at little weird but at least it was using the exercise ball, something that I have, and some tins for weights.
It feels good getting up and having a little exercise before I get into the day. I am going to see what the next set is like
and if it is not too hard I will do them, don’t want to overdo it. So lets see how it is going to go.
6:36…Well that was a good little stretching set and I could really feel my muscles working, but now they
are doing weights but changing with each person which really makes it hard to stay up with them. I am going to start getting
some breaky ready and see what is next. If it is exercises that I can do I will do them but if not then I will have breakfast
and then a shower, but I need to get the breaky ready to soak up some milk and soften up just a little. It actually feels
good to get up and exercise like I have this morning and getting an early night last night was a good idea as well. There
is another session about to start and I will wait and see what they start with because I can feel a pull in my muscles already,
just from one work out and they say not to overdo it at first. Okay I did that and now I am going to have some breaky now
and then get in that shower and then get the kids off to school and then I am thinking about going for a jog or at least a
brisk walk. I mean after all there is a nice walking path and running path and lots of grass at the end of our street in
the nature reserve park. That extra exercise will do me good I just hope that it doesn’t start to rain again cause
I really want to get into the habit of getting up this early and doing these exercises. Then going for a regular walk or
jog and then eventually I am going to add a bike ride in there as well cause that is good exercise as well. I have set my
sight on getting fit and healthy, but this isn’t just for me, I have more chance of getting the guy I want. I have
started getting healthy before I met him, I gave up smoking before I really met him and got the hots for him. Also I had
already written down that I was going to start exercising and getting fit. But it has been a great motivator, because unless
I loose weight he most likely won’t even look at me, and I am sick off the skinny girls getting the guy I want it
is just not fair. But I know that there is some people that I know that would prefer if I stayed fat and unhealthy because
then I am not confident about myself either and then I rely more on them for my self-esteem. I am going to become my own
person, I will be trim taught and terrific. I must admit that exercising does start the day off better and I am finding it
easier to be positive and confident about what I want and what I am going to do. Breakfast tastes pretty damn good too, Well
I am about to get into that shower now and feel really awake and alive and then get into some more washing of clothes and
tidy the house up to what it was yesterday.
8:19am…Well the kids have all gone to school now and it is all quiet, and I am about to put a load of washing
in the machine, and check the ones on the line to see if they are dried yet. I also want to get a load of dishes in the sink
and put away the dishes that are already washed and dried. Then I am going on that power walk or jog around the park at the
end of the street and then I will check out on how things are going on my e-bay and update my journal and Cullen’s
page with what needs to be added to the site like photos and the like that I can get off the board and maybe finish the board
as well. So here I go to do what has to be done in the house and then finish of my exercise stuff and then I am going to
start cooking the stew for tonight. Something healthy and warming inside for me and the kids and it will fall apart because
I am going to cook it all day long.
10:42…Well I went for a lovely walk in the shower for about an hour and it felt quite good to get out there
and walk, and I had my walkman with me as well, so I had sound while I was going which made it real easy. I am going to sit
and relax a while before I get some cooking done and the clothes may have a chance to dry as well, so I’ll be back
soon.
12:14…Well I have don my nails again and have checked the clothes on the line but they are still a little damp
so I will leave them a little longer and hope that it does not rain or spit again in the meantime. Shit this no supplement
payment has gone through as yet and that means there will be no chance of it coming through before next Wednesday which pisses
me of a little bit. I really wanted it to be there this week-end as I wanted to take Ros and Phil out so they could invite
Dave along and then I might have had a chance with him if we all went out together. Then he would be less likely to pick
some chick up if we went as a foursome, but that has just been wishful thinking. Shit I have not had a crush on someone like
this before when I have not been with them, it has been such a long time. It’s been a long time since I have wanted
anyone fullstop like this, there is something that has drawn me to him but it has and he is unreachable. Ros would never
tell him that I had the hots for him, she did when Kim did but I am not good enough for someone like him and that is the way
they will always see it and nothing I can do will change it. I am going to start to write a novel that I can just release
myself into and become part of, I can be whoever and whatever I want when I am in character mode and I will be happy there.
I deserve to be happy and get the man I want but I can not help how other people see me, that is just the way it is and I
have to live with that fact that no one will ever be my true friend because I am not good enough for anyone. I am always
there for everyone but they still don’t recognise that I am a very loyal, worthy and deserving person that I am.
I hate feeling this way about the people I know and that they would think of me that way but that is just the way I see it.
Okay I think it is time to go to the novel writing and get a start on it.
2:53…Shit this, I have just had an argument with the school about Joel and him being blamed all the time
and no one ever seeing his side of the story and only seeing what he does wrong and not anyone else. I mean kids call him
names and say nasty things about him, spitting at him and sticking their rude finger up at him and even in front of me. They
don’t even worry that I am there they are so use to blaming him for everything and getting away with it every time.
I just find it hard to be calm when this sort of stigmatism to him and enough is enough, it’s over and done with
they are leaving that school and never going back. They are going to a much smaller school where they can both have a new
fresh start and I think it will do them a lot of good to go to a school that is closer and ideally all around better for them
in every way. If the new school doesn’t work out then I will just have to go to home schooling if it means that
my kids feel better about themselves and not be so upset and not unhappy al the time. They need to have a good self-esteem
and confidence in themselves so that they do well in school and in their lives I know how much this negative stuff can affect
a child’s life in a bad way like it did with me. That wasn’t all to do with me it was partly to do with
my mum being a single parent, and a bit because she drank. Then it was also because I wasn’t a very good looking
person and we had no money and lived in the part of the neighbourhood that was social security and aboriginal even though
we weren’t aboriginal. These facts didn’t matter it was just our lot in life. I don’t want
my children to feel that way about themselves ever or have to put up with anyone looking down on them because of anything
that has been a part of the past. If things get any worse today I will scream and have a complete nervous break down. Now
Centrelink have just told me that I won’t get my payment til last because the last number of my ref number is a
nine. Yet I have rang every day this week and no-one else mentioned it a single time, now this know-it-all tells me, I have
had enough of the bullshit for one day fuck this shit, I’ve had enough of everything and all the crap. I just want
to curl up and cry right now because everything seems to be going wrong or all against me and I refuse to let anything or
anyone else rule my life or destiny, it aint going to happen anymore. I am always being walked over and fuck that being the
case anymore. I am in charge.
Sunday 24th July 2005
5:46pm...Well my dream came true with Dave but it has turned out to be heartbreaking nightmare, he is nothing like I saw
him as and now it has turned my life and feelings upside down. It started yesterday arvo, when Ros and I were texting dirty
funny messages saying that I wanted him and was horny and stuff like that, cause Ros told me he knew I had the hots for him.
But I never thought in the least that he would be interested in me so I was taking none of it seriously until he said he
was coming over, but even then we didn’t think it would be immediately and about 10 minutes later he turned up.
My heart nearly fell out of my throat cause I really thought that he was joking and having a go at me. He was acting all
feely touchy and I thought that he really liked me, I was in Ros’s room with one of the kids and he came in and
started feeling my leg up and my heart skipped a beat and started racing. He started kissing me and one thing lead to another,
but then half way through he asked if I was on the pill and I was honest and said no and then we never had a condom either.
And he asked why if I had no condom or the like why I sent him the messages and I said it was because I didn’t
expect him to show. So it stopped there, mind you he didn’t stop himself and wanted things to carry on to please
him and too bad for me. Then when he was getting out of the shower he informs me that he doesn’t want a relationship
and my heart hit the floor but I said that was cool I wouldn’t force him into anything he didn’t want.
He was staying for dinner and I felt funny but was wiling to except anything just to be with him for as long as I could,
we drove over behind him to his place cause he wanted to drink and didn’t want to drive. So here we were at his
place and this is the beginning of where he started to pull my heart apart slowly but extremely and crush me. He started
telling me that it was a huge mistake and that it should never have happened because he wasn’t interested in me
as more than a friend. I felt my heart sink and hit the floor and then it started to get worse. He started to explain that
there was 2 woman that he was interested in having a relationship. I said something that I never thought I would lower myself
to, I said we could be bed buddies and sleep with each other when we wanted a bit or were at Ros and Phil’s together,
and said what would happen when he finally gets into a relationship. Of course I said what any self respecting girl would
do, I said it would stop but we would enjoy until that time come about. Then he informed me that he would never be interested
anything serious with me ever and that one of the ones that he did like enough to have a relationship with had been asking
him to come over and she was just around the corner a bit from Ros and Phil’s place. I said I didn’t
care because I was under the impression that he was going to be with me that night so I was willing to let things go, because
at least if we had any time together I could make him like me enough to change his mind and that he would want a relationship
with me. We went back to Ros’s and I felt just a little hopefully, the hours went by and they had a few drinks
and he started to get pissy and I thought I would have someone to cuddle for the night. Then he started to ring this other
women girl what ever she is and then about 9pm he started asking Ros to take him down the road to this friends place and she
said no and I could feel the last parts of my heart breaking and I could feel the tears coming and myself falling apart and
the was no way in hell I was going to let that happen in front of him. So I got dressed and went out because P and R offered
to look after the kids, cause I am sure they could see me falling apart. Once I was out I just couldn’t stop feeling
the pain and I went on the next bus home to their place and went off to sleep. Then about 10am he shows up at the house calls
me Karen, and I thought what the f**k, how dare he, then he asked if I went out and how it was I said it was quiet and came
home. Then he acted as if nothing had ever happened and that part of my heart that was hanging there fell and hit the floor.
It was there and then I decided I am going to start acting like a man and just have sex with them and throw them away. I
truly believe I will never find happiness and will be alone forever. It also proved to me that he, nor anyone else thinks
that I would ever be good enough for him and I say F**K him and the rest the world I will curse anyone and everyone that has
ever broken or tore my heart out they deserve nothing but the wrath of my vengeance and I just don’t care anymore,
I’ve been hurt for the last time, my heart just can’t take it anymore.
8:21pm...I am trying to get the music playing but something keeps stuffing up, and all I want to do is to let some
of these hurt feelings out. Cause I am thinking a lot of negative things that I don’t mean long term but I am hurt
so deeply and want to cause Dave some pain back but music and dream imagination helps me to release all that negative stuff.
8:49pm…I have just decided that from now on in if there is something that I want that I am going to go
after it and get it no matter what. Everyone else goes after what they want, and they get it, so from now on I will do want
ever it takes to get who and what I want.
11:28pm…Well I am sitting here getting very pissed off with this computer and I just want to throw it over
the balcony. It is going so slow since I went on to the big brother site, the music just stopped playing. I hate when things
like this happen, I just want to find out when the eviction shows are and the prices of the tickets. So I will most likely
not get back here till later on, in the very early hours of the next day. But I will try to get it to work quicker than that
if I damn well can but I won’t promise anything. So here is hoping and wishing that it goes okay for a little bit
Monday 25th July 2005
11:51am…Well the f**kin Zillmere state school would not take Joel because he wouldn’t do as she asked
immediately after meeting her and wasn’t giving him a chance in the very least. I am getting so damn shit off and
I want to scream and yell my head off . Geebung is sounding to be the go and it is sounding ideal at the moment and the principle
is very nice. They seem to be very child orientated and work with them to work through any problems that may come about.
12:33pm… Well we are off to Geebung primary early in the morning and then they will stay at school for their
first day, I am so sick of things working against me which seems to be the case lately. I don’t know what I have
done so badly that the kids are paying for it now and can’t get into a school without being judged like he has been.
I should never have been honest at the first school and then we would be fine but I wanted too honest with them but that
gets me no where. I have decided that to lie is the best option and then I may get what I want for a change because telling
the truth doesn’t seem
5:55pm…Well I am truly at the end of my rope with Caitlin today and I am not being Mrs nice guy any more,
she is crying all the time for no god damn reason, you only have to go mad at her and off she goes. So from now on if she
cries all the time like she has been smacked I will start giving her a smack on the arse. And you know what I don’t
care what any one else says she is my child and if she is going to cry like she is being smacked then she will be smacked.
I allow her to get away with it way too much, when it comes to her crying and enough is enough and I am sick of letting everyone
get the better of me it is going to happen no more.
Tuesday 26th July 2005
9:18pm…Well I nearly gave myself a heart attack when my password word not work to open this diary entry document.
I had to pull the plug on the computer to get it to fix it all up otherwise all my thoughts over the last day or so would
be gone. Gone forever into that eternal black space called my mind. I have started to change the lounge and dining area
and my computer desk and area up and around, I need to make it comfortable for myself and the kids. So I just thought I would
have a little break before I pull all the books out of the book shelves, then I can repack them with the extra books I have
pulled out of boxes. Plus it was looking a little messy and bare in certain areas of the shelf. Then I have to do a lot
of folding and some ironing, then wash some dishes and clean the kitchen and benches up. Then I may just have to mop the
floors and make them sparkle and shiny and clean to go with the rest of the rooms. I will see how I am going and I may even
fix my room up and make sure that things are put away and tidy and I know there is some other things that I want done but
I can not think of what they are right now. Okay time to listen to some music and get into the bookshelf and other stuff
be back later when I save this onto my website and check my stuff at E-bay and see how that is doing and I have some catching
up to do on my web sites, as well so see you soon.
10:29…Okay that is the bookshelf and dining table done and all the crap of the table and I am going to get
the web up and going to get that done. And make sure I don’t loose this stuff and then I can sweep the floors and
pick up all the rubbish. Also I have to watch a couple of the DVD,s because we only have them for 2 more days and there is
so much that I have to do in that time. So I might as well watch them while I am home and awake for all the night as far
as it goes right now. I am feeling real good about this all and I want to start putting my book of shadow’s together,
to start living my full wiccan life and practice my craft as well. Okay I had better get the net on and my arse into gear
once this song is over.
11:13...Okay I have got the journal entries for the last few days up and stored here where they should be, since my
scare earlier. Well I have started on folding the clothes and there is an awful lot since I decided to wash Every piece of
clothing and we have had a lot of rain since then, so when I get a fine day. Well I just get heaps of loads washed and on
the line and off and piled up, while I wait to get the motivation to fold and iron the whole damn lot. So I must leave here
and get into the rest of the folding.
BLESSED BE!
Sleep Well All and Love to ALL.
Wednesday 27th July 2005
12:28am…Well here I am and the folding is all done and put up neatly, and there is the floors to do now, my back
is a little sore and getting a little stiff. I am checking a few things on E-bay and relisting some items so I wil be back
in a little bit.
5:54am…Well I fell asleep about 2am and luckily I had the wake up and reminder call for 5am, otherwise I
might not have woken up and we would be very late and we have to get to the school early to buy uniforms and some writing
material. I have odered us som McDonalds for breaky, some hotcakes for me, and big breaky’s for the girls, and
cereal and hash browns for Joel. I am feeling quite good this morning considering that I had not a lot of sleep. I am going
to have breakfast and then we wil walk to the shop and get some money out and then we will go to the school and get the kids
a new school uniform for their new school. I want them to look good and not look as if they are hobo’s. Well I
am going to go and get Joel up to have his shower before his McDonalds and then Caitlin and Melissa can get up and have theirs,
I want thiungs to be on time for a change, a new start at a new schoolk and not being late ever.
6:18am… Okay we are now waiting for the food to be dropped off, and Melissa just had to ruin it and say
she didn’t want breakfast, so I said it was too alte I had ordered it and I would have to cancel it. So she became
a bitch and went off and said so I have to go to McDonalds and get it then, and I never said anything of the sort. Again
she was just going off her head without thinking and just thinking of herself. I tried to do something nice and she just
throws it all in my face and I just want to thump her but I sent her back to bed and she can get stuffed and starve.
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