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1:22am...Well here I am at this early hour off the morning trying to do fancy stuff with my nails and I don't think I am
doing a very good job of it, they are bleeding into each other and I have it all over my fingers and hands. I can't sleep
because I am feeling a little paranoid about my daughter and her friend, you see I don't trust them at the very least. I
will get over it soon enough but it will take time because I know what they are like, once we get through the first week and
thier stuff has been picked up and are out of my house, then there is no reason for them to come any where near my house ever
again. I am feeling a little tired but not tired enough to go to sleep while I am feeling this paranoid I really do hate
feeling this way. I jump at every noise and each time a car goes past I get to thinking it may be them, especially when it
seems to only go down the street and turn around but that could just be my paranoia causing this thinking. But it doesn't
stop me from feeling good at the moment cause the paranoia comes and goes in waves but it does seem a little intense when
the wave comes over me. At the moment I keep thinking that I can hear a car idling close by but I just can't see any car
near the house. The noise may just be one of the electrical things in the house that I usually just don't notice but I do
because I was paranoid. Okay I am going to go back to trying to do my nails and fix them.
8:04am...Well here I am again and yes I did my usual I stayed awake until the sun come up and then I felt stiff and sore
and so I layed down on the lounge to stretch and and next thing I knew I was being woken up and told it was eight o'clock.
I hate when I do that cause then I feel tired all day and I am going to bingo with the money that Julie owes me in the hope
that I can win some money and I am going to be positive that I will win and I won't make julie go halves today and that way
i will win today. I am not going anywhere near the pokies so that is a good start to the bingo day. Also I don't have to
go down until just after 10 o'clock cause I am only playing bingo and it doesn't take long to mark and stick my books together.
Okay well i am going to go now and finish fixing my nails or maybe lay down and have a little more of a nap when the kids
go of to school shortly and it is an hour and a half until i have to leave for bingo, so have a great day and enjoy life cause
I am going to.
Friday 29th April 2005
11:27pm... Well haere I am after a short nap of a couple of hours after laying down to put Joel to sleep, he was asleep
and I was just going to give him another 10 minutes to make sure he was asleep and the next minute I woke up and it was about
quarter past eleven o'clock. I bought a new set of acrylic gel nails because the nails I had on last night, I put on with
alraldite super glue but it was to rubbery and flexi and were falling off left right and centre. I have been feeling so good
the last couple of days that I decided that I wanted to start looking after myself again and looking good. So my nails are
the first thing on a long list, the second thing is to take the diet tablets that I bought over a month ago and have only
taken for about a week all up. I am also going to start to exercise and lose wieght along with the help of the tablets, cause
they don't work as well without it. Then the next thing I am going to do is go to the hairdressers and get something done
with my hair, maybe a colour and a new cut, something that is easy to handle and suits my face and personality. I just feel
I have been in a rut of all sorts since Melanie and friends came to live here, I allowed them to use and abuse me and push
my self-esteem and self-worth down hil in a big way, maybe cause I wasn't able to be there for Melanie that I was letting
them to make me believe in a wierd way that I didn't deserve to be happy. That was the way I use to feel all the time until
the last yearish and when she came back and was here all the time. That I allowed it and them to push me back from where
I had fought so hard to get from and I need to take my power back and start having a belief in myself that I deserve to be
happy and joyful and excited about life and that I am a good person and that I am lovable and worthy. Because in all reality
I do deserve and have the right to have and not to let anyone else describe and dictate what I deserve in life. i know I
sound like a self-help manual right now but that is what I truly believe and have faith about. Okay now I am going to go
on with doing my nails and some pattern work on them, but I will be back during the process to write about what I have been
thinking about and discovering about myself the last couple of days since melanie and A have left and it is all good.
Saturday 30th April 2005.
1:02am...Here I am still preparing my nail surface and cutting and filing the shape of my nails, yes I should have been further
along than this but Joel woke up and I had to go and lay down with him to get him back off to sleep. I hate when he wakes
up in the middle of the night cause it gets real tired the next day and gets real grumpy. I am also watching a very old episode
of "Law & Order" where the one that plays Jordan on "Crossing Jordan" plays the D.A. and it's the
one where she gets killed in a car accident with a drunk driver. I use to cry each time I saw this episode but I am over
that now and I had better get back to doing my nails or it will take all night to get done, catch you soon.
1:48am...Okay it is little hard to type now because the nails are glued on and I am about to file them to blend with
my nail and I am still feeling fully awake which is good cause my nails are far from over. After the fil8ing I have to do
the gel overlay and then paint and design them the way I want and that is a little fancy. Would you believe that I can hardly
find anything to watch on tele and I have about 40 channels to watch and nothing so I am thinking about putting a music channel
on jsut to stop me from being bored stupid. Oh well back to it hey.
4:21am...Well getting these nails done is taking me a hell of a lot longer than I thought it wouldbut at least they
are on now. But they are still very hard to type with so things will take me a little longer than they usually do, well it's
of to the tiolet and then I will start painting my nails and doing a little design on them cause I want them to look good.
6:52am...Well here I am again and I have only just finished painting my nails because first Melissa woke up and started
making noise and woke joel up, then he went back to sleep. Then Caitlin woke up and started talking with her friend Jaidyne
who stayed the night and woke Joel up again but this time he did't go back to sleep and I made Ciatlin go into the other room.
But Jaidyne and Joel have been awake for at least an hour and now I am tired and can't go to sleep because they are awake,
so I might as well do the pattern i want on my nails after all. I wasn't going to do it till later but now that I have to
stay awake I might as well do it.
Saturday 7th May 2005.
1:23pm...Well here I am finally after a week of being sick and not even being really able to get out of bed, but I did
try and get some stuff on the page last night and shortly I am going to put the last few days as an add-on in this entry from
my writing journal. I had to write in a book journal so I could get stuff out of my head cause there has been so much going
on in my head while I have been sick. It is amazing how many things go through your head when all you can do is lay in bed
and think and watch TV and thinking. And because this journal is for getting my thoughts out there and working through them
and letting people out there know they are not alone in this world. When I put this entry in it will be centred and in different
type and my now thoughts will be normal and in between the other entries from my book journal. so here I am about to start.
...I am feeling at a total loss, in so many ways, there is so much that I know I want and need to do but just don't know
where to start and what to start with and exactly how to go about it. I am sick of my life being one disaster after the next
and self-sabotaging myself at every step that i have taken. It is one step forward and two steps back all the way and all
that stuff, and I really just want to take a step forward and then another step forward, and so on and I know there has to
be one step back every now and then for me to learn from.
Wednesday 4th may 2005...................................
Well I ahve been sick for four days now, a flu and stiff bones and all sorts of aches and pains. I have not stuck
in bed ever before like this, ill and with no energybut I need to get stuff done tonight because I don't think I will get
better until the house is clean and free of germs. So I have taken some Guarana about 3 hours ago but I am not feeling much
so I am going to take another one, cause I really need a big energy boost. All the shit that has happened over the last few
weeks has taken it's toll on my body, mind and soul. I know this not being well is my bodies way of telling me to slow down,
and my mind and souls way of giving me time to re-think and let me look at my life and sort through things and make my life
better for my kids, and re-grouping of my life and lifestyle for the positive.
I can no longer live my life in this dis-array and strees and I am going to make something out of my life and make
a difference in the universe for the good and the positive. My house is a bit messy and un-organised at the moment, but not
for much longer, as you know I have had some guarana, so I am going to pull an all nighter. I need to get things done, cause
if my house is in a mess then my head and thought process are usually in a mess as well. So first things first, get the house
nice and tidy and then continue to work on myself. To start loving myself again and working towards my hearts spiritual desires
more than anything else. My spirituality is the building block of all the goodness that can be possible in my life. Starting
this new writing book journal/Diary is also symbolistic of starting my new life, and it wil be the new beginning that I have
always desired. I have also realised that I need to spend more time with my kids and becomed more involved in thier lives
at school and at home. I have just been so distant from them and everyone else, like if I didn't care or wasn't involved
then I couldn't hurt inside or get hurt by anyone ever again. But I also couldn't get or receive any love or good parts of
thier lives and that is what I have been missing out on since I lost Cullen.
2:20pm... Well I haven't put the entire entry for that day in my book journal because I would be here for ages the is an
entire half book just for that day, like I said so much running through my head. In betwen writing this now current entry
up I am trying to get the loungeroom and kitchen cleaned up because with being sick I haven't been able to do very much in
the very least. so I am going to sign off for now so that I can finish sweeping this damn loungeroom floor because it is
not good at all. Back very soon I hope.
4:44pm… Wel the computer froze so I had to pull the plug out and now I am having the same internet problem
as just before and it won’t connect properly again and I want to smack the computer right up it’s side.
Here I go again trying to get it connected and I want to smash this god damn thing in a big way, but hopefully it will work
this time but I am not holding my breath. No it did not work at all, and I wil keep trying until I get it or I will be bored
out of my mind if I don’t get it working. There is nothing on tele and I need something like the games to keep
me going while I clean this hell hole up. I am pleading with the computer at the moment to please let me connect. Here I
am 20 minutes later and I still have not been able to connect and it is really getting on my nerves big time, the way it is
going now I am never going to get connected and I am going to get even more frustrated. What the hell is going on with this
damn internet okay 40 minutes anfd I stil can’t get this internet connection to work and I really am chomping st
the bit to get it working, what does it think it is doing to me, I keep trying and trying and nothing ever happens, it shows
that it is connecting but nothing ever happens ever. I keep trying and nothing, when it connects by the server isn’t
it supposed to. Caitlin is driving me completely insane, she just does not stop whinging about everything from doing her
own room and jobs, to what is happening with Melissa and what she is or isn’t doing. She has an excuse for everything.
5:44pm… Well it is one hour since they internet stuffed up. Caitlin is worse than Melissa in taking responsibilty
for hwr own actions and what she does and doesn’t do and the way she carry’s on. If the internet doesn’t
work this time I am going to do a scan disc and try and fix it up somehow.
6:36pm… Well here we are nearly two hours later and I have just finished the scan disc and I am hoping that
it has done the trick to allow me to connect to the internet and I have just had a good cry. I saw a thing on another movie
on Elvis and making him out to be the bad guy yet again and I just want them to leave him alone. Cause when they set out
to put Elvis down they are putting Culen down. I know it may sound insane to all of you out there, but I truly believe that
my baby Cullen was the re-incarnation of Elvis. Cullen knoew al Elvis’s songs without ever hearing them before,
knowing when his movie’s were on and they weren’t even on the tele yet and if they were he knew it was
Elvis. He knew every word of Elvis’s songs and one day Lisa Marie came on the radio and I didn’t even
know it was her but Cullen told me it was, and then when the song was over the radio said it was Lisa Marie ands I was totally
taken back.
6:50pm…Well hey I think the internet is finally working, I will keep my fingers crossed that it doesn’t
disconnect like it has every time the connection has really actually worked. Hey it is actually working I coulkd just have
an heart attack right now in complete shock. Soon I have to go and lay down with joel and try and get him off to sleep and
hopefully my internet connection does not go down in that time or I will really be spewing big time if you know what I mean.
Thursday 12th May 2005
7:50pm...Well it has been quite a busy few days, first Monday i recieved a notice to leave residence because the owner
wants the house back because I have let things laps too much in the house. Which I was doing sub-consciously to have to move
since my darling Cullen passed away in the front yard here. But at the same time I didn't think that i would be asked to
moved, so I was not prepared that they would give me only 7 days to move out and that was when the panic set in. Then I was
in a hectic panic and went to every site on the net to find somewhere to move to, and put adds where I could. Then the next
day I was offered a house in supported accomadation for 9 months which gives me time to find somewhere else and save up money
and that is a load off my mind but then Mel started her crap. She takes off and leaves all her stuff here and doesn't contact
me for weeks, then she demand that I be home on a certain day for her to come and get her stuff, and when I said that I wouldn't
br home the abuse started and she said she would just come in and get it herself. But there is no way in hell that she is
coming in my house while I am not here, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her and that isn't even an inch. So now she
has sent abusive SMS messages saying that I am lazy for not putting her stuff in the shed to get when she wants. But who
is the one that had to pack it all up, yes me and it is in the shed but she is not setting foot in this yard even , if I am
not here that is all there is to it so she just has to deal with it. I am so glad to be moving in that case, she will not
know where I live or my phone number or nothing and she wil be away from us forever. So the sooner I move the better for
my sanity and stress levels and the house is bigger and the kids will each have their own rooms so there can be no fighting
about that so that is a big bonus. The kids can stay at the same school they will just have to catch a bus to school together
and that will be hard to get use to but they will.
So know I just have to deal with the stress of packing everything in boxes and sorting through what we do and don't
need. I have got through just over half the stuff in the loungeroom, while they are in small boxes it is a little harder but
I wil get some big boxes for the bedrooms. The big boxes will take most of the clothes and stuff that we each have, but especially
in my room where I have most of the clothes from each of us in the house. I really don't like the packing in the very least
at least the unpacking will be easier. So since I have to go through everything I am throwing out anything that we have not
worn or used in the last 6 months, so we shouldn't have so much junk and crap cluttering up the house.
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