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12:34am…Okay the blue and purple are in but I don’t think the blue will be a real blue but a blueblack
of a different type that was first put in so it may not show up at all. but I can hope. I am going to fix my nails now because
the colours got all over my hands and they are stained just a little bit.
8:29am…Well Joel woke up and after I rinsed the colours out I had to go and lay down with him and he
took so long to fall asleep I dropped of about and hour or so into it. So I am going to try and get my nails done before
I have to go for this mammogram.
12:48pm…Well I just got back from the mammogram and everything it a okay so now I can stop worrying and
no more procrastinating. Right now I am going to have some lunch and just relax before I do some cleaning and the kids get
home.
2:09pm…Okay I have finished doing my nails and Melissa is going to pick the kids up and I am going to clean
up while she is gone. I hate it that Ros only comes over when the house is messy and not when it clean like it what yesterday,
you could have eaten of the floor yesterday but this morning it was like crap again. I am thinking about packing most of
the stuff away in the house that we just don’t use, or that are just in the way. I am sick of this house being
a mess and I just can’t seem to get it that way, You go to Ros’s and it is always spotless and never
gets the way this house does. I hate that I feel like shit whenever Ros comes over and sees my messy disgusting house, and
when I see her spotless house, she has things so much under control. I would really like for just once for my house to be
spotless for just one week which would be nice, I hate mess yet my house seems always to be like that. Then every time it
is messy and even more so when Ros sees my shitty looking house, I kick myself in the head and just can’t let go
of it. I keep putting myself down and it doesn’t help when the kids don’t help clean up or help to keep
it clean and I keep kicking myself. Then when I am down and I have just cleaned up majorly and within hours or in the morning
it is a mess again and I hate myself even more than I did to start with and I just don’t feel like doing it again
cause I know it will not stay that way. I am really serious about changing my life and making things better but I just keep
getting down on myself and nothing seems to go the way that I want them too and I really do want a better life. I need to
have just one thing go the way I planned and for my house to stay lean the way I want it. I am not sleeping tonight no matter
what I am going to get everything done, there is no use even trying to get it done while these darn kids are awake. I have
to write a list of all the things that I want put away in boxes that get in the way r not used, I am going to have everything
put away in there right places and I am not going to have anything laying around in this house no more. This house is going
to be spotless every day they are going to pick up after themselves all the time, they are not going to make a mess any where
but there own rooms from here on in. I am sick of people thinking that I live in a pig sty and that my kids run wild and
don’t do as they are told. Soon I am going to go out and put the runs up for the dogs, Joel is going to sleep in
his own room tonight because I will need to have my light on tonight so I can clean up and re-organise my room the way that
looks neat and tidy. I want to be able to put Joel’s clothes in his room and Caitlin to have her room clean and
everything to be put away. This house is going to be the cleanest place on earth and no one is ever going to think this house
is a pig sty ever again, no one will see this place messy ever again, I want people to know that I am a clean person and that
I can do what I have to do. Okay time to do the runs for the puppies.
3:54pm…I have done the puppies run and I done lists out for the girls to do and they will have it done this
afternoon, and I am going to tidy the lounge and kitchen a little just so it is not so cluttered but then I am going to go
and do my room. I really need to get that sorted out then I have places to my clothes and the like and then there is somewhere
for all the other stuff to go.
5:27pm.. Ros just rang and we are going to her house so I can baby sit while her and Phil go out for dinner, I don’t
think we are staying the night but all things are possible hey when it comes to staying at Ros’s.
Monday 8th August 2005
6:32pm…Life suxs big time , I have had it and I will be single for the rest of my life, I am sick of choosing
men that are emotionally immature and incapable of any sort of commitment and totally f**ked up that they are too scared to
give anything a go in case they get hurt and don’t give a shit about how I feel. I’ve lost all joy about
going on holidays because everything is falling apart, Ros and P have had a fight and are splitting and I love them both but
Ros is my best friend and I just want what is best for her. I have just had my heart ripped out of my throat and he stood
on it while I was watching. I was sure that things would work out with Dave even the tarot and runes said he was in love
with me but boy were we all wrong. I can’t take the heartache anymore it is just not on, I can’t take
that anymore I have been single for 6 years because I was sick of being hurt and I open my heart up and it gets blown to pieces.
Shit I really do have all the bad luck in the world, just once I would like to meet a guy that is right for me, but I thought
Dave was right for me but I seem to be wrong yet again, I seem to get that all the time. The time has come to just let the
fantasy of love and being loved go and really accept that I will be single for the rest of my life, that I was never meant
to be happy that way. It will take time for me to accept that but I will eventually have to get use to it and it will not
be easy but I will have to come to terms with it or I will never get any peace in my life. Time will only tell though and
it will hurt for a long time and I will have to be happy with the way my life the way it is and it really doesn’t
matter what I want. Why does this have to happen to me I find someone and they just are not interested because they are self-centred
immature assholes that only ever worry about what they want and how I feel means absolutely nothing. I am so god damn angry
that he kept changing his mind one minute we were not going to be together and then we were going to try and he even put
some things out on how he wanted to be, not smoking, hair one colour, wearing a bra at al times and even shaving my personal
parts in a certain way, and I was willing to do this just to be with him and then tonight he had changed his mind again and
I wasn’t right for him anymore. I have so much going on in my head now because of all this shit and I knew last
night when R and P had a fight and he left and went to Dave’s that Dave would change his mind about us and even
though I knew it I was still hoping that it wouldn’t happen with him changing his mind again. I always hope for
the best and know deep down that it will not work out, for 6 years I waited to find someone and when I thought I finally had
he just ripped me heart out and tore it in to a million pieces. I never want to feel for someone ever again the way I felt
for Dave and I really should have known better. Why would anyone like Dave find me attractive or want to be with me, I was
just fooling myself as usual no one will ever want to be with me and I have to accept it. I so much just want to wollow in
self pity and drown myself in sorrow because I am not excited about anything anymore. It cuts so deep, as we said good-bye
he kissed me and I felt every part of me just melt but I still wanted to hold him. I asked for a hug and he gave me one and
I felt my heart just die inside and I didn’t want to let go and I felt like he didn’t want to either but
he did. Then he told me to have a good holiday and I told him that I couldn’t cause everything is going wrong how
could I enjoy myself. So he said to make it for the kids and that is most likely all it will be because both Ros and I are
just having our lives ripped apart and I have to accept it. I don’t think things ill ever be the same, Dave says
that he wants us to stay good friends but I know that in my heart that I can’t be friends because I have deep feelings
for him. And I know myself that I can’t just push them aside and it will be so hard if I have to see him at Ros
and Phil’s. I know in my heart that they will eventually get back together and he is Phil’s best mate
and will be around, and to be honest I don’t think I would be able to keep it together around him. I am going to
wollow with sad songs tonight and just let myself feel the pain and hope I can get it out of my head and my heart.
7:40pm…I just went into windows media and put together a playlist selection called wollowing music that
I am going to listen to all night, I need to feel this what I am feeling right now because I am hoping it will make it easier
if I let it all out. I made a decision when he got to Ros’s and I saw him walk out that it was over and I told
myself that I wasn’t putting up with the shit anymore and I told him so. I really think it will be good to get
into writing my novel and living a fantasy through the story and allowing the feelings to go out of my heart and head. So
I am going to have a break from writing here in my journal and letting this emotion and inspiration flow through and get it
out. I hate that I fell for him and knew deep down that he would just hurt me and I would be heart broken but at least I
was wiling to give it a chance very much unlike him. Okay time to go and do some novelising.
10:59pm…I have been very much into the writing since we spoke hours ago and I am feeling very stimulated
y the release that I am feeling by being able to get revenge without actually hurting anyone the way they have hurt me. I
don’t want to lower myself to anyone else’s low standards, cause that is not my style and I could never
really do it in any way. There are so many things that could still go wrong, like someone could open their big mouth and
say something that was told to them in privacy and confidence. Dave could ruin so much more than my heart at this very moment
but in the end that would be my own fault. I should just keep my mouth shut but I did not and I will be the one that pays
in the end. I hate everything that has happened this week-end and I can not go back in time and change a damn thing even
though I wish I could. I want to curl up and just become invisible and just not exist any more in this living hell they cal
my life. Yes I am very f**king angry and I have every right to be angry, it is me that that has had her heart ripped out,
I have seen my friends go through something terrible and feel helpless to help them other than just being there for them.
I feel as I should not be as part of this earth, that it was never part of my life top ever to be happy and suffer for eternity.
I have so much going on in my head and want to cry so damn much but can’t because I have to be strong and just
get on with my life. For him to tell me I am not good enough for him and that because I have made mistakes in my past that
has been held against me. That for once I actually told the truth about my life to a guy and put myself on the line to be
squashed like a bug as if my feelings did not matter one iota. I am angry that I allowed myself to be put in the position
to be hurt in the first place to trust that I could be honest and Dave would accept me for me. Angry that I thought this
world had finally given me my one chance to be happy just to slapped in the face. Angry that everything I touch turns to
shit and I feel powerless to change anything that has happened, and that I won’t find someone to love me for me
like I thought I had. Don’t even tell me that I shouldn’t expect any better than I have in my life right
here and now. I want to scream and hit Dave and tell him what an asshole he is for treating me the way he has and at myself
for allowing this to happen in the first place. I hate feeling this way and especially at this time when we are finally going
on the holiday I have waited nearly a year for, and know I will be spending with my heart aching for Dave. Life shouldn’t
be this way, no one should have to have this happen to them as much as have and enough is enough I think, no more. Now these
puppies are pissing me off I had them tucked away nicely in the laundry then Melissa ad to go in there and get something I
told her I would get in the morning and now they keep getting out and will most of the night chasing them to get back into
the room. I just want to sleep and forget everything that has happened but I can’t cause I have too much to clean
up and do before tomorrow arvo. Cause we are leaving as soon as the kids get out of school tomorrow arvo at 3pm because I
have to get Natalie to give us a lift over to Ros’s, so we can all go the train station in Wednesday morning for
our holiday. I don’t know where to start in the cleaning up department but I might be able to think clearer after
my shower which is what I will do soon. Also I have to look at what 40 new moon wishes I want to write down because my granddaddy
period started today, and I could do with all the help I can get. Okay I think it is time to get that shower because I am
feeling a little tired and I should have some more guarana as well to give me a bit of energy and motivation to get things
done that have to be done. I really do want better things and getting this place clean is one of those things that will
play a big part in it. Also maybe I can cry just a little where no one will see or hear it because the water will drown
it out as well as the music, cause I will take the clock radio CD player in with me, to drown out the thoughts going on inside
my head.
Tuesday 9th August 2005
10:29am…Well I got some good news this morning Ros and Phil have worked everything out, they are back together,
and going to start new, just wish I could have said the same about Dave and I but it’s not possible. I just hope
that the situation between us doesn’t stop him from coming down the coast to hang out with Phil, cause I would feel
really bad, not for Dave but for Phil cause he was looking forward to spending some male time with him and playing golf and
the like. I don’t want to be the reason to spoil Phil’s time down the coast, cause Ros has me to chat
with and have girls time. The first night we are there I am going to tell Ros this arvo that the first night they are having
alone to go out and enjoy being with each other, they deserve some time alone together. I just rang and told os that her
and Phil are going to go out and have dinner the first night and there was to be no arguing. She said that I wasn’t
watching the kids while we were on holidays cause it’s my holiday too. But as I said last night I am no longer
into it and that is final, I will at least get some pleasure out of seeing the 2 of them enjoy their holiday, cause frankly
I don’t give a shit about myself any more. This holiday is al about the 2 of them and 7 kids, I won’t
be able to enjoy much anyway. Cause it is a bit hard to do that on a broken heart. If Dave still goes I will spend most
of the week-end away from them, go to the beach or long walks at least. During the day I will put the kids in the Gecko club
and I will head off to anywhere, I don’t care where just not where I can see him and keep killing myself. If he
wasn’t Phil’s best mate I would be hoping that he came nowhere near us but that is not the case, so I
will deal the best way that I can with it and I can only hope it doesn’t get to hard. Yes I am not fooling myself
the thought of him being there for the week-end is tearing me apart, but it would tear me apart if he doesn’t go
and Phil doesn’t get to enjoy himself as much as he can because Dave doesn’t go down. I have a feeling
that he won’t go down but I really hope that I am wrong, but I don’t know whether he will think of the
idea of me being there. I will pray that he goes down still, even though now it is not for me but for Phil. I have set it
my goal to make it the best holiday for Ros, Phil and the kids, it is nothing about me anymore, I can’t allow anyone
to lose their enjoyment of this holiday, like I have it has been to long in the planning. I can not allow this holiday to
be ruined for anyone else, or everything would have been in vain, and I swear with all of my being that, that will not happen
not on my watch. Don’t get me wrong I am still as angry as shit, but no one else should suffer because of my bad
choices ever again, then I really would have nothing else to go on for, cause it will kill me if I ruin it for anyone else.
I have to focus one the others nothing will ever be about me anymore, and the chance is that I most likely won’t
see Ros and them very much after the holiday. Cause I have ruined enough things as it is and I can’t do that anymore
it is not fair on anyone else involved. You know what else shits me all the inspired writing that I did last night was lost
some how don’t ask how but it did not stay on the computer, so I have to try and remember it all and start again.
Hey but what is unusual about that hey, time is going slow and I just want to know everything is going to be alright or everyone.
Okay I am going to go on the Internet and update my pages so I can have less pages here and not have the chance of losing
them and I will be back you can guarantee that.
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