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Tuesday, 18 January 2005 8:24 AM
Well here I am again and no sleep in in sight so here I am writing and just wanting to get everything out. Well we have
access with Nicky at 2pm this arvo so the new worker for the kids Sue wanted to come over this morning and I said we were
busy and that wasn't going to work. I am so sick of the department making mountains out of a mole hill, one slip up and they
are on my back and I am not going to take their crap it is just not on. For months I haven't really had any contact with
the department except for Rose and she has been great, but now they are all over my back.
5:35 PM Well we saw Nicky for an hour and it was good to see him and he is growing so big and so quickly and he is
growing into a handsome young man. Then we went with Melanie to get her tongue pierced and then we went and got some steak
and vege's to cook for dinner and then we got a cab home because it looks like it is going to storm big time. The clouds outside
look dark and dangerous, like we are going to get a huge thunder storm and lots of wind, cause it is already blowing a gale
and I had to close the windows. It actually looks like we just made it home in time before the storm starts, but at least
it is nice and cool especially after the heat we have had the last week. I couldn't have standed another day with the heat
we were having cause it was really taking a lot out of me and making me tired all the damn time so I really welcome this cooler
weather. Well I need to get a start on dinner shortly because I want to get the kids into bed early this evening because
we have had a few big days and we all need to catch up. Them to catch up on their sleep and me to do an all nighter and catch
up on the cleaning because I hate my house being a mess and I need to get all the washing done as well before the next few
days. Since I have to sort through all the clothes and get their uniforms out so they can be adjusted and all ready for the
start of the new year.
6:00 PM Well we decide we weren't going to have steak and vege's for dinner because Maata isn't home yet and Melanie
can't eat anything solid and she doesn't want to miss out so we are going to have it tomorrow night instead. So the younger
ones are having hash brown burger's and Melissa is having spaghetti and Melanie can only have potato and gravy with her tongue
the way it is so that solves that and I am not hungry. So I am going to put them to bed earlyish like 7.30 and then I can
have a break and then I will get stuck into my room and all the folding. So I am going to go to Bingo tomorrow morning and
give my luck a little try and see how I go and also so I can have a few hours away from everyone and just relax and enjoy
myself for a few hours. I really am worn out so I have to go up soon and search for those gurana tablets and give myself
a little energy boost and I will get all the stuff done just like i need to. I really want to get everything done so we can
start to get back into some normal sort of routine like we were before the holidays cause I hate being un-organized and untidy.
Well I had better go and look for those tablets or I will never have the energy to last through the night and get all the
cleaning done so I had better get my butt into gear hey catch you later soon. hey ha ha ha.
6:30 PM Okay I found the gurana tablets so that is a good start to the night especially since I haven't been able
to find them for the last three weeks so this is definitely a good start and now Melissa is home with the bread for the hash
brown burger's so I had better get of and get their dinner going so they can go to bed when I planned.
6:41 PM Well that dinner was quick hey. Well M is not home and I don't think that she will be home tonight just a
feeling I get at this moment in time and I will just have to wait and see what happens and there is really nothing that I
can do about it anyway. So I am just going to enjoy the fact that I am getting and an energy buzz from the gurana tablets
and that feels good for a change. I don't even know what I want to watch on tele tonight but there is something I know I
want to watch and the ad has just come on for it, it is "The OC. Special" a behind the scene look and interviews
with the stars and a sneak peek at the next season. I don't like watching the repeats and up till now they have been exactly
that. Now we just come up with a new dilemma "Angel" is on at the same time so we have to experiment with the taping
while watching another show, so I just hope it will work, cause I don't want to miss either show so hopefully it will work.
7:10 PM Okay there is going to be a fight with who wants to watch what and there is no way that I am going to miss taping
"Angel" cause I just love that show with a passion and
8:30 PM Okay the tele situation is under control the third show that the kids wanted to watch is on again at 5am and
1pm tomorrow so we tape "Angel" and watch "The O.C" so that is that all sorted out so that is a good thing
so I had better watch my show.
Wednesday, 19 January 2005 5:30 PM
Well it has been another full on day and I am completely stuffed and will have to take another gurana tonight so that
I can stay awake cause I want to do some craft stuff that I bought today. I got five canvas's with outlines of the pictures
on it so I can look like a professional painter artist, ha ha ha.
Thursday, 20 January 2005
10:06 AM Well here I am waiting for the department to turn up and they are supposed to be here at 10am and it is already
past that and they think that they can keep me waiting when ever they want to. Well they have another thing coming because
I have Julie coming just after 11am and when she gets here I am calling it over with them and getting on with my day, they
are not going to rule my life. I am through with allowing the department to chop and change whenever they feel like it, and
Melissa is staying at Ros's with Jayde again tonight so she won't be home anyway and they will just have to deal with it and
that is that. I am taking my life back and there is no way the department is going to rule my life anymore it is time I take
my life back and put my destiny in my own hands and write my own life path and that is what I am doing from here on in. The
time is now and I am living my life my way and they are just going to have to deal with it and if they stuff with me I am
not going to put up with it, cause I am not living in the fear of their threat any longer. I have done that for to long and
have been their puppet and done things when they have wanted me to and had appointments when they feel like it and that is
no more. The only one that has really been around in the last 3 months is Rose and when I have one hiccup they make a big
deal of it all and it only took me one day to get myself back on track and sort my stuff out and I am not going to make me
feel small anymore and that I am not going to be able to cope for one little mistake. I am only human and everyone makes
mistakes and then they pick themselves and get on with life just as I have and no-one stresses out unnecessarily like the
department has and all because we have a new worker the third for this year and we are only on day 20 of the year so I am
really not happy at all and all they can say is that it can't be helped it is just the way the department is and that I have
to deal with it. they are half an hour late to start with so they will just have to deal with Melissa not being here and
that is that, we are not putting our lives on hold for them anymore and if they don't like it they can shove it. At least
if it was Rose or Cara coming for a visit and they were running late and they would ring and tell me they were running late
just that they were still on their way and that would be fine but they don't even had they decency to ring and let me know
they are running late and they are not better than anyone else. If anyone else was running late for an appointment with me
and they were running late and didn't ring to let me know that, they would be told the same that if I had something planned
for after that appointment hen I would say so long stiff bicky's I have things to do, and that is that. I feel good taking
control of my life and not letting anyone rule over how I think, feel and the way I run my life and what I do and in general
just taking my life back and that is that. Okay they are an half hour late and I am not happy if they get here after 11am
I am saying sorry but we are doing something and that they can not come in and do what they want with my life and that if
they don't have the decency to ring and not let me know they are going to be late then they just have to deal with me not
allowing them to stay any longer than 11am and that is because I set aside an hour for them to be here and then I have made
plans for the rest of the day. Damn do you know how good I feel about knowing that I am going to stick up for myself and
not let anyone else rule my life and who ever doesn't like it will just have to lump it and deal with it cause that is the
way it is going to be from here on in. They are now 40 minutes late and the late they get the more determined I am to stick
to my guns and stand up for myself and let them know that they have no right to stuff me around and that I will drop everything
because they want me to. This is what I am not going to put up with anymore anything that is not positive or productive in
my life is going to be gone whether it be person or thing or even habit, that is just the way it has to be if I am going to
take control of my life and write my destiny from here on in. I am not going to be the victim anymore to anything , anyone
or situation, and that way I have no-one to blame if I make mistakes and if I do I will learn from them and move on and not
dwell on any of it. I believe my Angels, spirit Guides and the higher power are watching over my life and I have faith.
Okay they are talking to Melanie right now and hopefully she isn't saying anything that is going to put me in a bad way cause
I will not put up with any sh*t from anyone like I said earlier and that goes for family. They said 5 or 10 minutes with
Melanie and that time should be up about now so they had better hurry up and not shit me off anymore cause I will not take
their shit any longer, yes I know I said that before and I am repeating myself but I am really determined to stay committed
to my decision and that I am going to stick to it no matter what. Guess what I told the department straight out that they
only had 15 minutes because the were late and I had things to do and that I wasn't allowing them to dictate my life any more
and that was that because I am taking control of my life and boy did it feel great. It felt so damn empowering and I feel
like chucking a party hey hey.
10:23 PM Well Ros rang tonight and we went to bingo at the club but we did our arse big time and hardly even came
close and that was a real bummer. I need to take a gurana to give me the buzz I need to stay awake and get the cleaning done
and do the books and uniforms for the kids for school, cause I don't want to be doing anything like that over the week-end.
i am feeling real tired right now but once I have the tablet I will be wide awake and full of buzz and energy. I am still
on a high from this morning and that is the way I want to keep feeling, and if I keep the attitude that I set out with this
morning then I will keep the good feeling that I have had all day. I am not sure if i will stay at the club for very long
tomorrow because I have no money to even get a coke with, but I will just have to wait and see how I feel when the time comes.
I have taken my tablet and I will go up to my room and start on the books and then when the girls have gone to sleep I will
come down and clean the lounge and kitchen up so that they are all done when I wake in the morning and I won't have to do
anything. I like feeling this positive and wanting to do things that are good and positive and just feeling like I am in
control of my life finally. Yes finally I am in control of my life and not letting fear be in charge anymore, cause controlling
my own life is so much better than allowing everything else to dictate what happens. I can't believe I am finally looking
out for myself and taking charge of my life and everything that is in it and what it is about. Hey I am feeling really good,
I really am and I still find it hard to believe that I stuck up for myself this morning with the department, and stuck to
my guns and told them how i feel about things and what I expect. I am going upstairs right now and get on with the things
that need to be done. Blessed Be!
Monday, 24 January 2005
10:08 PM Well yes I am feeling a little;e sad tonight. I am watching "Love my Way" and they are stilling
dealing with lou's death and I am finding it a little difficult to watch but I know I have to because it is helping me deal
with my grief. You see Lou died of a cardiomyopathy like Cullen did and it really hits home and in a strange way it is helping
me deal. I was drawn to this show for a reason and I am sure this is the reason, it is portrayed so like to real life
Friday, 28 January 2005
3:32 PM Well it is boiling hot but at least I can get all the washing done and the clean stuff to finally off the line
after a week of rain. Plus I get to finish the rest of the washing finally done and get the hired washing machine out of
my house and put my one in the laundry. I have to fold these clothes which I have just done so now it is time to put another
load on the line and another load in the machine so that we have enough clothes to do us again. It is so damn hot that I
am sweating to death here in the lounge and the fan is going too. Okay a new load of clothes is on the line and another is
in the machine. These kids are just so damn loud all the time and just wish they would learn to speak softly and stay that
way all the time because I keep getting headaches by the end of every day and I hate taking any tablets but I really don't
have I choice if I don't want the pain. I have loved that they have been at school all week except Wednesday which was a
public holiday. Though I still haven't got much me time at all, actually I have been staying up till all hours of the night
and even one all nighter just to get some me time, which is something I desperately need to keep myself sane. I really don't
want shit going on in my house, I put rules in place for everyone but if they are not going to keep to it then they will have
to find somewhere that will allow them to do what they want when they want with who they want. Shit this is not a boarding
house and if that is want then they will have to pay the prices that boarding houses charge because if my life is going to
be disrupted all the time I need to be compensated for loss of sleep, worry and the household being put out for them doing
as they please.
6:04 PM I am about to tear my hair out soon with all the shit the kids are handing out to me, so in a way I am hoping
that they go out but at the same time I don't because then I will worry about them, it's damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles and maybe at least with the worry I still get time on my own, time to have my me
time. I just need some time on my own and maybe I can have a long hot soak in the tub with some lavender and other herbs
and stuff to relax me. I need to have my time and relax and meditate and connect with my higher self and my Angels and spirit
guides, and further my spiritual quest. These kids will be the death of me and make my hair go grey way before I should be
grey but I don't want to be. I am trying to cook dinner but thes kids are driving me nuts and the big front hot plate is
playing up again making it hard to cook for 6 people, but I am doing my best with what I have got.
Saturday, 29 January 2005
10:01 AM Good morning not, I have hardly had any sleep and I am rather pissed off at the moment I have been awake
all night tossing and turning worrying about a kid that isn't even mine and I have just about had it I tell you. I am going
to put my foot down as I said that one of the rules was to be home by 10.30pm and if you are not coming home to let me know
where they are and when they will be back so that I don't worry but she doesn't have enough respect for my family to even
do that. Okay Julie is not answering her home phone so I must gather that she is out but I am calling her on her mobile,
which I just did and she is at Bi-lo doing a shop and is going to call me when she is home and has put the food away. I am
so tempted to ring the number Melanie was given and they said that
Thursday, 3 February 2005
12:06 AM Can’t write anything anymore of much because I do not trust these girls and I don’t
know how much longer I can take the shit that they dish out and I don’t know if they are stil bring that shit in
my house when I am not home.
Wednesday, 16 February 2005
10:52 PM I am going insane I really need to kick these girls out of my house , there is thre of them now and I just
can’t handle the shit and fighting going on with them. And it’s got to the point where I don’t
care if they read this journal because I can do what I want in my house. I am sick of Melanie threatening me with the department
and that they are always asking if I am drinking or leaving the kids alone. I don’t go anywhere of a night unless
the girls are here and that has only been twice in 2 months and the other times it has just been to bingo to try and win some
money. My bils have skyrocketed since they moved in and now there is one more. I don’t want to kick Melanie out
because she is my daughter and I love her but I wil not put up with disrespect and all the stress they are causing me. I
have no time to myself ‘cause there is always some one here and I never get on my computer because they are always
on it. Must go or I’ll scream. Bye.
Friday, 19 February 2005
11:23 PM Wel I got back into Uni today and I have signed up for my four course and the study material has already been
dispatched so I just cant’t wait. This is the only thing that is going right for me cause these girls are making
it harder all the time and I can only be pushed so far. I have lied to some people that things are alright with the girls
because I didn’t want anyone to say that they shouldn’t be here. I can’t wait for them to go
to Melbourne so I can have my life and my routine and my house back to myself. Yes I know that it is only for a week or two
but I can’t do this much longer. I can never get the house clean because it sems to be messy as soon as I have
cleaned.The girls have broken mt new Vacuum and they are all denying that they had anything to do with it and they sems to
be the way with everything. Theyfinish of all the food like vegemite and drinks and all that sort of stuf and put it back
in the fridge and deny they did it. They drink my coke and blame everyone else whenever I go off they sit there and laugh
at me. I have never had teenager to look after them and I am still getting the hang of looking after girls full stop with
only having boys in the house for 6 years. Shit Melanie expects miracles and thinks she can be a better mother.
Monday, 28 February 2005
1:06 AM Well it got to boiling point last night and I told the girls to leave last night, then the shit hit the fan
and the threats started to hit it too.
I rang mum to say not to ring Melanie here anymore and she came screaming down the stairs mum she hit me she yelled out,
then screamed out I was drunk. Fuck this shit I had done niether. Then the threats of al types came like the department
would take the 3 kids from me, because if I couldn’t look after the 3 tenagers then they would say how can I look
after the other 3. Then she was saying that the department was always asking if I had left the kids at home on their own.
How dare that bitch of a daughter threaten me, everyone said not to let her home that she would do al that stuff and cause
problems for me if I had to ask her to leave. But no I said she has chnaged she wouldn’t do that to me, and how
could I leave her out on the street. But right now I wish I had made her find somewhere else to stay because I have been
so stressed and out of routine since they moved in. I put myself out for them and got no gratitude from them, fuck this shit
let them say what they want we are going to get back to routine. I will not have to share with 2 kids and they can have their
room back, I can get my peace and quiet back and my me time. I’ll be able to keep the place clean all the time
because they won’t be leaving shit around anymore and our routine will be back and the bils wil go down again.
I mean my electricity is already twice as high as last time and it isn’t the full 3 months yet, the phone won’t
be 200/300 a month and the food bil wil go down and the internet bill. I am sick of being the sucker that helps people ,
even if it is harming me or affecting how I feel I still help them and then sit there and get kicked in the face. I will
sign of now because it is getting late and need to try and get some sleep before I have to deal with anymore shit. I have
to ring and tel Anne and Graham that I won’t have their money because the girls haven’t given me any.
I hate what this is doing to us, because Melanie will not be trusted in this house anymore. Bye and Blessed Be!
10:17 AM Well I have decided that I am not taking any shit from anyone anymore, I don't care who they are. The school
seems to be trying to shit on me, Julie has shat on me, My own Daughter Melanie has shat on me and I don't have a lot of faith
in the department at the moment because it seems they are trying to find ways to get the kids back. I don't have a lot of
trust in anyone anymore, cause every time I let my guard down I get shat on left right and centre. It seems the only person
I can have trust in at the moment is Ros, but I am scared that that will fall apart now that the girls have gone to Ros's
for the night last night. I don't trust anything those girls say and they have gotten in and pulled apart nearly every thing
in my life that I have fought so hard to hold on to. You don't know how good it feels to be able to finally put everything
down here in my journal. Melanie is on the phone and wants to come home but I don't want to put up with anymore shit and
I am putting my foot down and no more shit, I said we will try but one arguement and if things don't change then they will
have to go and there wil be no coming back. Be back soon have to finish talking.
10:55AM Okay we have finished talking and we are giving it a go but there is no promises that they can stay if things
don't change. Just one arguement, whether it be with me or Melissa or betwen themselves, they have to go. If they don't
help out around the house and clean up after themselves or stay out past midnight they will have to leave. If they don't
give me the money they owe me then they wil have to go. There is going to be no more sucker written on my forehead and no
one is going to stress me out anymore I am taking back control. Since the girls have moved in I have given them the power
to annoyme, make me angry and for them to take advantage of me and this house. I wil nolonger be the one that suffers for
everyone else's actions that I allow to affect me. I don't know whether I am making the right decision but she is my daughter
and I want to think that she can do the right thing and that she should be with her family. I don't want to believe that
she would purposely try and shit on me or to the dirty on me. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what happened
last night, I don't want to believe that it even happened. Please I pray to the Goddess that things work out and that my
family is not pulled apart by what happened last night. I can't go through losing any more of my children I just wouldn't
make it through anything like that again, my spirit and mind just won't make it through. Wel I have to go back to finish my
cleaning now cause I just want to get things back to normal. I can't take anymore stress and I won't allow that in my life
anymore. bye and Blessed Be!
Monday 28 February 2005
11:29 AM Okay Nearly through the cleaning down here on this level of the house anyway. It feels so good to be back in control
and to be getting back into my usual routine of cleaning and having me time and not feeling as if I have no control over anything
in my life. I have to believe that all this happened for a reason, maybe to give me back my control, to put me back in the
drivers seat, and to be able to put a clear line down on what I wil accept. To maybe get things in this house back to the
way it was before the girls came, and set some clear limits on what will happen in my house and what I will put up with.
This maybe needed to happen but I have to faith that it happened for positive reasons and not to reak havoc on my family’s
life.
12:12 AM Okay all I have left to do is too mop the floors and downstairs is done and it feels so good to be back on
track with my stuff that I usually do and I am also doing a chore chart for the whole house everyone wil be pulling their
wieght. I am not going to allow any of this stop any more I will stick to my routine and everyone else wil have to work with
and around me and if they don’t like it they can just move out. I am not going to be under anyone else routine
or schedule. I am feeling more confident about me than I have in a long time but I am not so sure of those things outside
of my control but hopefully I will Feel confident about everything soon again if I don’t allow outside things to
get to me anymore.
1:50 PM The girls are home now and they really haven’t said a word to me, they just went upstairs and Melanie
made a call to her councellor and Kylie just went down to drop a video off and said she was going to pick Maata up. I don’t
know where from that she is picking her up but there goes my hope off Melanie eventually being here on her own. Fuck why can’t
just one hope come through for me, nothing against Maata at all but Melanie’s whole personality changes when she
is with the other girls and I can’t take it anymore, let’s hope things change. For just once I hope
a wish comes true, please Goddess please help me to get through al this stuf and be able to keep my strong resolve. Well
I had better get this on to my site so that the girls don’t read my private thoughts and what is going on in my
head. I don’t care if people that don’t know me read all this stuff but those in this house have no right
or reason too.
Please click here to se continued entry of 25th April 2005 and Journal Entries 6. Blesed Be!
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